The Phases of Me

Chapter 4: My Life

Welcome to Georgia...boring ass Georgia, the place where everybody fuck with everybody and everybody knows everybody. I hate it here and I wish I never moved to that boring ass place, my mama moved us there when she met her new dude that was a creep from the moment I met him. Mouth full of gold teeth that she paid for and trust me I was not impressed by his country-ass talk game. We used to come and visit my grandma, sister, and other family members back in the day but I never EVER thought that we would move up there. The air stank, bugs were as big as my damn hands, and dirty-looking people walked around like zombies, I might as well get used to it because this was our new home. I missed my old classmates in Florida but with no cell phone, I couldn't call them and see how they were doing or anything which sucked for me. We attended a school called Stewart Quitman and let me tell you, the kids there were NOT friendly at all. Just when I thought I escaped the bullying, I ran right back into it just with different people. There was this one teacher though that had my back when no other teacher did, let's just call her Mrs. P, as a middle schooler coming to a new school of course you're going to want to branch off and meet new people, but as I stated these folks were not nice. 

We got settled in very quickly, and I met new people, but I could never forget the ones back home I just didn't want that to interfere with me getting to know new people. The guys were perverts and the females were stuck up, too stuck up for their living situations but they still walked around like they were headed to the EBT Awards or something. My mom met new friends, my brother had his lil clique that he bonded with and then there was me, I met some people but I'm not going to say that I met friends, except for this one girl name Brandy, that was my ace, my homie, the girl that was cool as a fan and hung with all of the black folks and she was white as snow. Her family made me feel like I was a part of their family and that was one female that I can say that I was cool with when I first started attending that school. I joined the band, and I met a couple of people that I was cool with but just not friends with (if you get what I'm saying). I was missing my dad and I didn't want to have a friendship with anybody that had their dad in the household because I felt like for me it would be a slap in the face. 

As I stated, I would get picked on all the time but where I lived all the niggas made you feel special and made you feel like you were pretty, they would tell you little shit like "Aye let me holla at cha" or "Aye my homeboy think you fine" that was their way of saying "I wanna fuck".  At this moment we were good and comfortable, settled into the neighborhood, shit was straight, and things were finally looking up for me, at least I thought they were. I started to flunk in school and didn't take it seriously at all, I was just ready to go back and live with my dad, I didn't care about the type of living situation he was in I just wanted to go back home, I didn't feel like I belonged there at all I felt out of place and now this man is living with us trying to play daddy, I wanted to fucking disappear. The way he looked at me made me feel so uncomfortable, the way he tried to take over and he just moved in just didn't sit right with me but that was my mom's boyfriend and she loved him so why not get comfortable, right? Everything about this man screamed no good but as long as my mom had a smile on her face, I was happy for her. 

She started a new job, and tried to go to school to become a CNA she just couldn't do it she said that she couldn't take the smell of shit coming from the residents. By the time we got home from school my mom would be heading to work and it would leave me, my brother, and this low life at the house by ourselves until he wanted to send my brother to the store to get something that he needed, "why couldn't you go for yourself" is all that ran through my mind. I would close myself in my room and either write or listen to music because I wasn't doing my homework or even felt like doing anything that had something to do with school, I just wanted my dad. I could see my bedroom door opening out of the corner of my eye, but I kept concentrating on what I was doing at that moment, his voice asking me "what you doing?" when you can clearly see what I was doing living rent-free in my head, he would close the door behind him and sit on the bed next to me and as I would try to get up he would grab my arm and pull me back down, slid his hand up my shirt to take it off and as I tried to pull it down he pulled harder at that moment I wanted to die. No one was there to save me, the grocery bag that he used as a condom lay on the side of the bed as I lay there with tears in my eyes, having flashbacks from when I was 7 and him walking out of the room as if nothing happened. I couldn't face my mom, I couldn't even look at her in her face when she got home from work, I was sick to my stomach, he would approach her with a kiss, and she would embrace him like they were on some sort of movie on the Hallmark channel and to think I had to go to school the next day was something that I didn't look forward to but I would rather be there than at home, shit I would've loved to be homeless than to live there. I thought things would change for the better I was only 12 and having someone that claimed they loved my mom violate me in a way I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy is crazy, but this was my life. Grab a seat and get comfortable because this is just the beginning.