"I can do comedy, so people want me to do that, but the other side of comedy is depression. Deep, deep depression is the flip side of comedy. Casting agents don't realize it but in order to be funny you have to have that other side."
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*(A/N-I do not own the pictures but I made the aesthetic so for Goodness' sake please don't copy them P~P)*
Vivienne's POV
Searching for her blade, desperately scrambling, her mind was echoing."Vivienne......leave right away or instead your blood will flow..." "No, no! Leave my daughter! Leave her."
again, and again. "Here you are...." I murmured to myself as I adored the blade pulling up against my sleeves. The blade deeply kissed my shoulders, letting the blood flow like a river. I didn't scream. Instead, a silent unwanted tear escaped. But it was hollow.
She looked at the clock as she started wiping away her blood. A week left, afterwards high school finishes. She wants to change into something she might like herself in. That doesn't really change anything, nothing ever changes when you have always been powerless and an imbecile coward. But it doesn't change right? So I set off to a location that will never accept me
***
When she enters the classroom, she hears bored whispers, "Theodore Ezekiel is absent, sir." Theo is just a part of the class as unimportant as the worn-out books for Vivienne. It doesn't matter though. Theo also looks like his in a different world like everything holds a different meaning, a different value for him. Like he has an easy portal, to somewhere he thinks he actually belongs.... I wish I had that portal too.
I envy him, and I envy him so much sometimes it's hard to take. I wonder If I beg and yearn enough, I can hope the ground will open someday and take me in.
But I'm always left without shelter midway.
I try find a decent corner I must stick to for the time period of my torture cell.
It's lunch time, no different than any other moments I spent pitying my pathetic self. Esme sits beside me. It breaks me every time somehow, I can't return the friend I was to her for all the past years. And it's more miserable how she tries, and I try too, but it's like coloring the white pages with white crayons. Every single day. And I keep getting miserable at the misery of my life.
She...Dayla, walks by, just as if there weren't nights, we spent so long singing lyrics of songs that never made sense. But it's been like this since I can remember. And honestly, I never seem to remember anything, any excuse that could help me go by.
Every story has an ending.... but mine has a really long intermission.
I put my eyelids on break and try to focus on the lights around me that are shattering me, because for all I know, they hurt and this doesn't feel like somewhere I belong and nothing, nothing ever proves me wrong. I wonder if I belong to a far, far away land. Where maybe it all would make sense. Where someday someday someday, I'll perhaps belong better.
And I think about it so much, it never lets me sleep, I close my eyes and I see a world that I will never reach. Somewhere too far out of my reach and that gives me nothing more than the feeling of emptiness that will be preserved deep within, and I can never do anything about it.
But then again, it all ends where it started, I'll never be able to do anything about my nights, my days, the delusional twilights, and the measurement of the time I can't find words for.
The day I lost everything. Anything I owned just................................slipped out of my hands like a kingdom in flames, and once I used to be queen. Once I ruled. But it's in flames now. And the flames just don't die yet. They keep igniting somewhere in me where I have nothing left to be burnt. And still.........
And still, they kill me every single night. Inside out, it's burnt, anything that might be left.
I guess, I could cope with it, cope with it until it officially and finally takes me down with it. That's the day I'll be craving for and that is the day it'll be worth smiling for. And it scares me at the same time how my own destruction pleasures me. Pleasures me badly. Sometimes I take a few deep breaths. But pleasure comes with pain. And that's what I'm molded from.
