House of Blood and Beasts

47. Black Docks and Boats

    Ruhn had little recollection of the past week. He didn't remember screaming and sobbing until he passed out. He didn't remember Flynn and Declan carrying him up to his bedroom. He barely remembered waking and refusing to leave the house. He barely remembered a Witch being hired to erase all evidence of the murder.

    He faintly recalled hearing that Bryce had left his mother's villa the morning after arriving. Ember Quinlan had come and the two were now staying in a hotel together. He should've gone to see Bryce. He should've let her know what had happened to Sarai.

    But he couldn't bring himself to move. To care about anyone. To feel anything other than this soul-crushing pain. This ravenous guilt that gorged itself on his thoughts and still wasn't satisfied. So he did what he could to sate it.

    He tortured himself by listening to Sarai's voicemail over and over again. He could hear it in his dreams now, full of pain and terror. And when he woke up, tears streaming down his cheeks, all he could do was hold one of Sarai's shirts to his nose and torture himself some more. The tattoos on his forearms would have to be fixed eventually, but long sleeves were enough for now.

    Ruhn stared vacantly at the ceiling, not even bothering to wipe away the few tears that dripped from the corners of his eyes. He took a long drag from his joint, then let the smoke roll out of his mouth. This was his second joint of mirthroot this morning. He was beginning to think he'd need two more before he was ready for what lay ahead.

    The Devils' Sailing had commenced that morning, and he'd heard how Ithan Holstrom had rent the air with his cries. How he'd collapsed and had to be held up by his sunball team. Now it was Sarai's turn to Sail. It was her turn to be judged. To make her way to the Bone Quarter or be lost to the river.

    Ruhn wasn't sure he could do it. He couldn't stand on that hateful black dock and watch a boat carry her remains towards the Bone Quarter. He couldn't stand there, waiting to see if the boat tipped and cast her body into the deep, to be fed upon by the creatures of the Istros.

    "She should've Sailed with the Devils," Ruhn rasped to himself.

    Danika was one of her best friends. Connor had always meant a lot to Sarai. And Nathalie... Nathalie was like her sister. Her last true family in the midst of a world that had despised her.

    A small fact nipped at the back of Ruhn's mind. That family would've grown with the birth of Nathalie's baby. A baby that had perished with its parents before it had a chance to live. Before anyone even knew of its existence.

    Ruhn held the joint to his lips once more. His chest constricted and more hot tears ran down his face. His love was alone. Alone in death just as she had been alone in life. He wondered if her pack would even bother coming to the Sailing. He hoped they wouldn't. He wasn't sure what he'd do if he saw them.

    Someone knocked on the door before it opened. "We need to go," Flynn said. Ruhn didn't answer. He just let smoke blow through his nostrils. "Ruhn." He barely turned his head. "Come on. She would want you there."

    Ruhn looked back at the ceiling, hooking his finger through a chain around his neck. Sarai's ring dangled from it, cleansed of blood thanks to Declan. Flynn sighed and sat down beside him. "I can't do this," Ruhn whispered. "I can't. I can't see that boat. I can't watch her Sail alone." He choked on his words. "I can't, Tristan."

    Flynn gripped his shoulder, squeezing it tightly. "Do you want her to Sail forgotten? Do you want her to Sail with no one there to send her off? She loved you. She deserves your remembrance."

    "Ruhn! I'm scared. I'm so scared."

    "I should've been there."

    The words were barely audible, but Flynn still heard them. "If you were, you would've died too."