I love/kill you

5

Whenever "This is too good to be true" popped into you head, bear in mind that you're probably right. Have you experienced turbulence, the kind that comes out of nowhere amid your silky smooth flight before? Right, the part I'm telling you about is our first turbulence.

The phone rang, a familiar contact was shown on the screen. It was a Wednesday's afternoon call from Phu.

"Krit, about our date this evening—can we put it off for now?"

"Of course, something comes in your way?"

Actually it was our date night that night, so why he put our date on the back burner confused me a little. What does he need to do? What's the reason behind this? Can't he just ask me to go to his place later tonight? I couldn't help but wonder.

"Well..." He seemed uncomfortable answering that question of mine.

"What's the matter? Anything I can help you with?"

"Nothing. I'll handle it on my own. It's—all my fault."

His response didn't ease my curiosity at all. Quite the opposite, it fuddled me and raveled the mystery even more. I had expected a brief call at first but It didn't seem to be the case.

"Can we meet before then? Maybe a quick date? This afternoon is fine by me."

"Don't you have classes?"

"It's all right." I said while recalling the afternoon class schedule.

"I can just skip them. It's totally fine."

"Is that really OK?"

Phu was always reluctant. In spite of his hesitation, I realized he was ready to oblige if I took a shot at it. No, I'm not letting it bother me like this.

"See you at our McDonald's, 2PM." I cut to the chase and made a decision for him.

"Uh—OK. It would be very short, though. I'm in a rush."

"I got it. I'll be there on time. Talk to you soon."

He hung up right when the school bell rang. The anxiety gradually crept up on me as I stepped inside the classroom and left me with weird feelings. He always said he loved me before hanging up. Otherwise, he would say he missed me, or other sweet words, or anything for that matter, but I got nothing. He might forget, or perhaps his mind might be occupied by something. He wouldn't fall out of love with me. That would be too soon.

In the classroom, the teacher started lecturing but my focus, which should have concentrated on the lesson written on the whiteboard, went elsewhere. My mind just couldn't stop contemplating Phu's weird behavior. Something important? What's it about? Why did he say it was all his fault? Is it something that would affect our relationship? The more attempts to cease such thoughts, the stickier it got and the more I thought about them. As I forced myself to focus on the lesson, the texts on the whiteboard got blurry, and the scriptures ran wild. And suddenly, I sensed the shortness of my breath and the race of my heart. My hands shook. My mouth, my hands, and my feet went numb. Through the chills on one half of my body and the sweats on the other, I came to realize that the panic attack was coming back. The dizziness then emerged, and I was on the verge of unconsciousness.

"Miss." I raised my hand. "May I go to the infirmary? I'm having a headache." The homeroom teacher gave me a nod and said nothing. She even assigned my friend to take me to the room. My expressions might have looked so terrible.

Once I reached my destination and finished the registration, I popped a tab of Rivotril in my mouth and laid down in bed. It's eleven, I thought after glancing at the clock. I'll wait until the panic subsides and ask the nurse to go home. How lucky. I can ask for a sick leave without skipping classes. It's gonna be OK, Krit. I then reassured myself. You'll see him in a few hours. You'll find out what it's all about. With my eyes closed, I waited for the medicine to kick in and counted my breathing rhythm, just like how Dr. Nin trained me.