Mental health

Depression and Anxiety

Most people think of depression as just an extreme sadness.

I think it's more than that

Some people think it has a constant effect on you

But some times I don't even remember it's there

Sometimes I can go weeks or maybe even months with out depression taking over

And then randomly like a hit from behind there it is

Sometimes there's not even an actual reason  I just start to cry.

I wish I was happy

And Sometimes I am

But this year depression didn't even allow me to enjoy my birthday.

It makes me feel like I have a rope around my neck

It's loose, no threat, can barely tell its there, then out of no where it tightens and I can barely get air in

Or the rope isn't stopping my breath but it's there I can feel it when I move making my breath weary that sadness lurking

It's got a constant hold on me and not only is the depression alone bad but it's also affected by anxiety

Anxiety feels like a taunt

I will be talking with my friends having a great time and anxiety says

"They don't really like you, they just don't want to hurt your feelings. They're probably think your annoying, who would ever like you?"

And the worst part about it is I think anxiety is correct.

Anxiety makes you your own enemy

My depression and anxiety mix, they feed off of each other

The main reason I believe what my anxiety tells me is because I don't think I've ever had a real friend, and the one person I thought was I haven't talked to in 2 years. Not only have I never had a true friend I've never had anyone like me.

What scares me more than anything is that I don't know who I am, I don't think I have my own personality

I've never had a real crush, I haven't had a favorite color since I was little, I have the random urge to be mean as soon as I am close to someone but I don't want them to not like me.

And I don't think anyone actually does like me

I wish I could know what people were thinking so I could know what they really thought about me

Sometimes my disorders keep me awake thinking about how I actually affect people

I also stay up thinking of what life would be like if I didn't have these problems. Would it be better? Or are they what make up me ?