ted talks

letter to my dear 'friend'

dear ana (or rexi),
ur a pain in the ass. u really are.
u promised me so much - you promised i'd be happier, u promised i'd love myself, u promised my life would be better but unfortunately that's all bullshit. i'm even more depressed, i hate myself and my life couldn't be more miserable at the moment. all the things you said to me turend out to be for the bad. you told me people would like me more if i got skinnier but they don't, they hate me for it. you told me i got it under control but i don't. because of you i got admitted to a mental hospital and seeing all the other people with the same disorder triggered u even more - u want me to get worse, don't u? or shall i say: u want me to get better? for you, i was never sick enough. not eating for a bunch of days? not enough. doing exhausting things like going for a walk until i felt like i'm going to faint? not enough. the number on the scale being at my lowest point ever? still not enough. you compared me to everyone, even to my little siblings. you told me i had to eat less than them and u would get angry if i don't. i don't want u to be angry because when u are it's much worse. once i got admitted to the mental hospital and u realized i was getting weight restored, you came up with the great idea that i can just throw up in case i eat too much. awesome, isn't it? u told me i was fat since i'm at home again - you're screaming and shouting at me again and now i'm at the point were i was before the psych ward. i hope you're happy now because all i wanted was for u to be happy because u swore that i'd be happier as long as i satisfy you. but can u really be satisfied? the answer is: no u can't. you'll always tell me to try harder. u won't ever satisfied be and that's for sure and i would love to say "screw you, fuck you" but i can't. you're a big part of me and i'm afraid i'm never gonna get rid of you. you're not a friend, you're my enemy but sadly people tend to secretly love the things they hate. i don't know who i am without you because u fulfilled me even if i regret it with my whole heart and soul. you're a damn coward.
love, v