Infatuated || PJM ✓

Chapter 20

He died for you. He was your donor.

The words lingered in my head as I sobbed for the nth time. I knew he was no more but after knowing the reason of his death I felt poignant. I was his murderer. He died just for me to live more. But who will tell him that I wanted to live just for him. How to live now?

Placing my shaking hand over my heart I closed my eyes letting the tears to roll down the cheeks. After getting to feel his beating heart I felt at ease. My eyes exhorted to get a single glimpse of him, his face, his smile, his eyes. Everything faded in a mere second.

After realising why he was doing all of that, why he was spending his time with me, I cried more.

That was my last one one week with him.

He really made my heart his home.

Our last kiss. Our last sex. Our last hug. Our last star gazing. Our last dance. Our last rain. Our last date. Our last firework. Everything was our last and I never even realised? He wanted me to live for him but... without him? Now I know why he distanced himself from me. He was right. The memories are hurting me more. For him I left everything behind and he left this world for me.

Slowly getting up from the floor I limped towards the closet and pulled out his white shirt. It was 'our'  favorite. Everything felt aimless. I didn't want to live anymore but how can I punish his heart? He gave me his heart. That's the only thing I have of Jimin left with me.

"You said you don't like tears in my eyes but you really love to make me cry, right Chim?" My breath was shaky, I had no energy left in me. He was my only source of energy. Instead of hiding this from me if he would have told me maybe it was a little easy to let him go, right?

"Tell me what should I do now that I miss you?", I questioned with a smile on my lips, a tired smile. "What should I do with everything now when there is no you?... What should I do with all those moments I had planned to live with you?... What should I do with these tears which don't want to stop?... What should I do with all those fake promises of yours?... What should I do when I couldn't even see your face for the last time?... What should I do with this fear of living alone?"

I stood up from the floor and walked towards his picture kept on the nightstand. It was getting harder. It was very hard without him.

"Jimin p-please come back", I whimpered, holding his picture close to my heart. "I-I want you... I am scared... and this time I am not lying."

Silence. The walls reverted to me just silence.

"You asked me to trust you but how to trust when you are not here?"

 I wanted to let my heart out. I had no one to share my feelings with. 3 years of dating and 3 years of marriage. All these 6 years Jimin was my support system. He was the only one I ever shared my feelings, my insecurities, my jokes, my hardships, my happiness, my jealousy, my life with. Now all I had was his pictures and uncountable memories.

~

"I love you", I whispered placing the flowers over his grave. My eyes were numb. My soul was hurt. My body was weak. I sat there staring at his grave for god knows how many hours, without uttering a single word. I had nothing left to speak.

The wind blew drying my tear stained cheeks. I again wore the sky blue dress from our first date. It was his favorite. All I wanted to hear was him calling me Chae but there was no him so I sat there in silence listening to his heart beat. I could feel it chanting Chae.

"Was he someone very close to you?", I flinched when someone suddenly sat beside me and placed his warm hands over mine. I turned to look at him and he passed to me his soft smile.

"Hi", he said passing to me his hand but I didn't react and kept on staring at him.

"I know I am world wide handsome but stop staring I feel shy", he scratched his nape and looked at the ground with a shy smile making me chuckle. My eyes blinked and lips curved into a small smile, "Your smile is very beautiful. Please smile for me", I gasped at his words and eyes teared up. His face showed worry as he came forward and cupped my cheeks, "H-Hey I am sorry-", I cut him off by crashing myself in his embrace as he returned the hug and patted my back.

"He was my everything. I miss him. I m-miss him a lot. He hid everything from me. I feel so l-lonely now."

I didn't know what I was saying but I needed to let it out. Without him I was going crazy and at this point hugging the person in front of me felt right. I wanted a comfort and Jimin was my only comfort but this man made me feel better. He made me feel like Jimin.

"Miss", he called out to me when he felt I calmed down. "Don't leave me Jimin", I whispered making him sigh. He broke the hug gently making me look at him with my doe eyes, " I don't know who he was but please try to get a hold of yourself. He will be very sad after seeing you like this. He loves you alot and so he expects you to smile. I can't be Jimin."

"I am s-sorry", I wiped my tears and looked at the ground out of shame. How could I touch someone without their permission? How could I acknowledge someone else as Jimin? How could I hurt this person in front of me just for my pain?

He patted my head and placing his fingers below my chin made me look at him, "I am sorry for whatever happened with you. I can't end your pain but I can't see you in pain too. You are very beautiful and a beautiful girl should never cry."

~

"Two vanilla fudge ripple", I sighed, again a memory of him.

"C-can we order something else?", I said in a timid voice making him look at me with a confused face.

"S-Something wrong?", he asked as I passed him a small smile.

 "It's just it reminded me of him. It was his favorite flavor." He nodded in understanding and asked me to take a table while he changed the orders. I strolled towards the window table and in no time he joined me.

"So tell me about yourself?", he licked his ice cream while I stared at him with silent eyes. He was indeed a beautiful person who decided to cheer up a stranger like me. I felt better with him. I could feel the urge to accept the truth.

"I...", I paused for a while making him look at me. He raised his brow while continuing to lick his ice cream, "... I am Park Chaerin. And the person at the graveyard was my husband Park Jimin."

He stopped whatever he was doing and passed me a sympathetic gaze making me feel uncomfortable.

"Don't", he looked surprised. "Don't sympathize. Whatever had to happen has happened. Please don't make me feel guilty." He passed to me his beautiful smile and gently held my hands, "I won't I promise. Let's be friends?", he pouted.

I giggled at his cute face and nodded, "Hi, I am Park Chaerin."

"Hi, I am Kim Seokjin."

* * *

The book ends here. Hope you liked it ♡