The Habits of My heart

Chapter 4: Fragile

The feeling was cathartic because I was once again in a circle with Frances Shea. At least it was under a lot happier circumstances. It was Ron, Reggie, Frances, Frances's brother Frank, and Alfie. We were on the shag carpet in front of the fireplace sitting with our legs crossed, drinking and smoking cigarettes and cigars.

" Let's play a fun game but also helps us get to know each other," Reggie grinned while lighting another cigarette.

" Alright, I opt for truth or dare," Frances smirked.

" Ah yeah, very mature, let's fuck off and do schoolyard games," Ron said annoyed.

" I think it's a good idea. Besides, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a night without responsibilities and all those adult things." I gave Frances an encouraging smile.

" 'Right then." Ron puffed on his cigar. " I want to invite someone if that's alright, Reg."

" As you wish, brother."

We bantered back and forth, getting intoxicated by the minute, until there was a knock on the door. Ron stood up quickly and opened it to a man I swore to have seen the same night I met him at the hotel.

" This is my friend Teddy, and he will be joining us in these festivities."

" Hi," Teddy gave a shy smile.

" Aren't you one of those calling boys from the Alley?" Reggie questioned.

" Fuck mate. None of your business, is it? " Ron interrupted before Teddy could answer.

" Let's just play, yeah ?" Frances broke the silence and patted a spot next to her for Teddy.

" I want to go first, give me a dare !" Reggie grinned.

" I dare you to...."? I looked around the room for something to give me an idea. " Swallow some chewing tobacco with your bourbon and not throw up."

Everyone looked at me surprised but laughed in unison. " We're starting strong. Didn't think you had it in you, Monica, but Frances did warn me."

" Life of the party she is," Frances winked.

Reggie took a swig of his bourbon straight from the bottle as instructed. His face was already forming beads of sweat, and he looked nauseated. " Run to the bathroom, babe." Frances helped him up, and he ran, covering his mouth before vomiting all over the bathroom sink.

Reggie came back, wiping his mouth with a handkerchief. " Bloody hell, that was a mess; good dare, though. Frances is next."

" Teddy, why don't you take this one," Ron offered to him.

" Um alright...," Teddy looked over nervously at Frances who just gave him an encouraging smile. " Truth or Dare?"

" Dare."

" I dare you to make out with Monica," Teddy smirked at Ron, who looked surprisingly pissed.

" You don't have to do it, Monica. Teddy is being fucking daft," Ron moved over and assured me.

The lump in my throat reappeared like it did 2 years ago, and I couldn't decipher why. It was a meaningless and harmless dare,, so why was I so nervous? It wasn't as if things would happen like they once did. Though history seems to repeat itself, or so I've been told...

(2 years ago)

It was our last day of being rehabilitated to be prodded and harassed by the same therapists and nutritionists. It was the kind of day when you were so relieved that even knowing you'd have no one or nowhere to go once you walked out those doors, you couldn't help but appreciate the fact you'd no longer be in here anymore. Not only that, but it felt like you'd be starting over with a clean slate.

I'd be in a new continent where no one apart from my peers here would no me, but even the chances of me running into them again were slim to none. So as I sat in my dorm room collecting what little belongings I had to take with me, I found myself not alone. My friend Frances was here with me, and all the feelings I described earlier melted away.

Frances not only helped me through the toughest of times, but she made this hellhole fun. I desired to be around her as much as I was allowed, and couldn't imagine how I'd gotten through life this long without her. She was one of a kind & though I've had friends before her; never did they compare. What I had with Frances was different.

" I'm leaving today, but before I go I wanted to say goodbye." Frances sat on the edge of my bed.

" You're leaving today and ill be gone tomorrow," I blushed. " Do you know what you'll do when you're out?"

" I assume I'll go back to my parents and go to school to be an accountant. Why do you ask love? Have anything big planned when you go back to the states ?"

" As you know, my parents have made no contact with me since they threw me in here. No letters or calls,, so I'm up to my fate. I was hoping to stay here and travel through Europe. What do you think?"

Frances went silent and played with the edge of her skirt, avoiding eye contact. She looked as if she was in deep thought, which I found comical since my question wasn't that deep. She took a breath in," People like you and me are different from others, you know?" I nodded.

" We're different because we've been through so much and expect so little in return, even though we give so much of ourselves. Yet, we still receive more shit than we can bargain for regardless of what we do. You have no Family or job, Monica..." Frances held my hand, giving it a firm squeeze. " People like us are fragile and as your friend, I have to be realistic with you about these things."

My face fell as I knew where she was going with this," You don't think I can do anything like that, do you?"

" We're young Monica. We're young, and we're fragile people who need to appreciate the little things we were given. Get a job, settle down with a man. "

" Right...a man." Frances knew many things about me, except for my struggle to grasp the full concept of my sexuality. According to the constant reading I spent in the library on sexuality in young women, it said I was bisexual.  She was right about me being different. I couldn't be normal even if I tried. My brain & heart couldn't even decide on one gender to be into.

Someone like could never come far in life, and to think otherwise was nonsense. The dreams were fading and I felt myself slipping. What the hell was I going to do when I left? Like Frances said: get a job and settle down with a man.

(back to the present day)

" Monica?" Ron rubbed the small of my back, waking me to reality.

" I have to go..." I got up from the carpet and ran out the door. My suppressed feelings for Frances can't rise back up again; not, after all the work, I've put into reinventing myself into the woman she asked me to be.

The air was cold,, and the brisk air made it even cooler. I walked down the sidewalk for what felt like an eternity before realizing I had no clue where I was. Warmth embraced me from behind before I could go any further. Ron was behind me and placed his coat over my shoulders. " Monica, what's wrong?"

" I just want to go home." I turned to look at him," Take me home, please?" Ron nodded and redirected me to his car. The drive home was silent, but comfortable silent. Even though he was known for pressing me with questions,, it's like he knew better this time which made me feel more comfortable.

As I snuck a peek at him out of my peripheral vision, I started to notice things. The way his hands were so masculine with their callousness and veins showing. The way the veins showed slightly more as he shifted gears with the stick. The way you could see the sharpness of his jaw even in little light. Ronnie Kray was a handsome man.

---

Ron parked the car in front of my apartment complex. He got out of the car and made his way to the passenger side before opening my door to let me out. He walked me to my door, and having his presence made me feel safe. As Ron saw me put my keys into the lock he went to turn away, but I stopped him. If there was one thing ice always heard to be true, it was that to get over someone you had to get under someone else.

" Would you like to come in with me, Ronnie?" I asked seductively.

" I was hoping you'd offer."