lost in space on a page

ok.

i'm not okay
but still
i learn to play
the game

i didn't know
was real & feel
it has
no damn appeal

to me i just don't
understand why i
can't fucking stand
my legs and back

they ache
i make mistakes
i break
when anything's at stake

i'm fine, i am,
i really am
just lying, its true
except i'm telling you

the things i know i'm
not allowed to
say & pray
it's not too bad

i'm sad
& don't know why
i know the reasons
still i try to show

i'm really trying
not crying over
spilling milk and blood
in equal parts, a flood

of ugly pink i think
i think too much
or not enough
of me

i'm lost and cost
too much
i'm such a fucking failure
stale, i stagnate

pause, unsure
of where i'm going,
throwing fits
i sit in pools of salt preserve

my words in herds,
it fucking hurts
to breathe sometimes
i wish i'd never been

in love, i love that love
fits like a glove on
everyone but me
i see, and can't stop looking

my reflection hooking
lines and sinkers, thinkers
live too long to find the answer
only questions asking why i'm here

i fear that i know everything
i need
to bleed i'm full
and empty feels so free,

and me, i love to eat
my feelings, stealing from
myself tomorrow, oh the sorrow
scales and mirrors hear her cry

someday she'll die
i hope it's soon
i love the moon, i howl
when i see foul

adipose, suppose
i lose it all what's left
for me to do in life, bereft
of purpose

die on purpose?
anyways today i feel okay
unless i think of yesterday
just write my silly story

bore me with the end
i'm giving up
abruptly, interrupt me
say it's not too late

i hate to say that
they're just words
i've heard before
my ears are sore

and i'm unsure
won't listen anymore
i'll still see
what's in store

tomorrow
in debt I'll borrow
time to waste
in haste i'll spend it poorly

surely life is more than this
insist I give it one more chance
a dance I'm tired
practicing my lines

perfection shines
right through me
truly such a crime
is mine to be atoned

dethroned, usurped
replaced, displacing
too much space I take
away the help i shouldn't need

i'm seeding
all my doubts they
reach their roots inside me
burn them, soot

will take their place
the pace too fast
at last what's left
of me is only Ash