lost in space on a page

war

been at war with myself and life and god ever since I knew how to think and i think I've thought every way out of this mess

bloody bathtub gas pedal into a concrete barrier as many pills as my stomach will hold but I'm scared

coward liar fake

too weak when it matters

made of mistakes and still finding more I've yet to make

ate and slept my youth away now I permit myself neither

waiting for my chance to break out of the world that's begging me to leave it

lost in a mind that's just as unsafe as the life that made me hide here

tearing up roots and hacking my way through bloody earth

and rot fed maggots from how many of me I've killed

but I'm never the one who finds that kind of peace.

what it must be like to end a story too boring

for it's own author to read.

through the cuts and the hungry and the sad angry driving

screaming at a windshield hitting the brakes at 90 with no room left to stop

but I do

i stop, and i

stop every time and I'll

throw up the pills take my finger off the trigger and the blade never finds its depth

lost and cornered in a world with no walls

always asking

how much worse must it get before I'm ready to go

how much better must I fall from to see it's not worth

all the days i'll lay crying eyes closed saying sorry that

no matter how I beg it's still the same life the same world the same body

still me no matter how far from her I run

or how fast

but when I thought of you I slowed down

I said no and I meant it.

saw what the world stole and decided I wouldn't take any more

so I'll give and I'll smile when you take because

I'll leave you with more than I found

I'd give you my life if I thought you'd accept it

but I hope

that my heart

will someday
be small enough

to fit in your hands

and that yours will
have grown

too heavy
for mine