The Fourth Mistake

three

Violet realizes that she knows three things for sure in this life.

The first is that no matter how you feel about your mother, she will always be wiser than you. The world has made her into the person you know for many reasons; she has experienced infinite more things than you. The second is: little things mean the most; no exceptions. The girl who told you that your eyes remind her of her stepbrother's; the warm water of an ocean, the vivid green of a rainforest, the calming brown of coffee you made yourself. The smell of burnt sugar and caramel that resurfaces a memory of you and your father baking when you were only seven. The coffee that you buy even if it's more expensive because it tastes better and you deserve it, treating yourself as a reminder that you're always worth it. Violet knows these things.

The third is that feelings are meant to be felt, and if you listen to them carefully, you will be far better off than if you had ignored them. Violet is afraid; another thing she knows.

She is afraid of the most shy glances she's ever felt on her skin and strong, tan arms that she wants on her waist and the back of her neck. She is afraid of brown eyes that are bright in a way she's never seen and she wants to wrap herself in the color that's so dark it's almost black. She is afraid of pretty, plump lips she so badly wants to feel on every inch of her body and a face that has both the squishiest of cheeks and sharpest of jaw lines. She is afraid of a stupid boy named Calum Hood and she wants to scream until she does not have a voice anymore. She is scared like a child and she doesn't even have her favorite blanket anymore.

Violet has always listened to her feelings, but she's never really known how to deal with them. So instead, she stores this little emotion away for the time being and focuses on other things; such as the person who's currently nipping at the skin of her collarbone.

"Fuck, Ash," She breathes out, heavy and strangled as she grips onto his hair and gently tugs at the roots. She feels his stubble rub against the soft skin of her chest and she whines under her breath. It's odd, she thinks, how her mind can escape her even at times like this.

Ashton pulls away, untangling her legs from his hips, and rolls onto his back. He exhales and leers at the ceiling, relaxing into a comfortable position before he puts a lazy arm around Violet's shoulder. She hums quietly and cozies into him, kissing along his neck.

"So why didn't you just kiss the poor guy?" Ashton breathes, content. His body feels like a heater against hers, radiating warmth. His flesh is hot under the palms of her hands and Violet wonders if she could capture the heat and keep it for herself, kiss it out from under his skin. She sighs into him.

"I don't know, too soon I guess." She says, but it isn't the truth. Violet can't explain it, she can't because she doesn't understand. She feels like the ocean is lapping at her edges and soon she won't be able to breathe at all.

The thing is, when Violet tries to lay down this feeling in a way that it might make sense; it just doesn't. It's scattered pieces, and no matter how many times she moves or turns or examines them, she doesn't understand. Some of the fragments don't even look like they're from the same puzzle. She doesn't know.

And Violet hates not knowing, especially when it comes to herself. She feels like she's losing something, but she doesn't know what and that eats at her palms and her gut and her jaw, leaving her to see if she can reach far enough into her chest to find that something. She wonders if she's been walking around without half of herself for her whole life. She wonders if the boy she's so afraid of feeling is the part that's missing.

She tries not to think about these things, though. She tries to focus on the way Ashton's skin purples under her lips, the way he looks right now; vulnerable and needy as she moves to straddle him. She focuses on the sounds he makes, all soft and whimpering as she makes her way down his torso. Everyone is more beautiful when they're at the mercy of your wondering hands and parted lips, Ashton is no exception to this.

He's almost pretty enough to make her forget about the gorgeous boy she wishes was in his place. Almost.

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It's a strange thing, this girl. As he lets his ribs ache with the thought of her, that's what Calum decides. His gaze is fixated on the ceiling and he is unmoving. He closes his eyes and watches her dance behind the lids. She is inescapable, and he realizes she's kind of special. He's still trying to figure out why.

He thinks about the general things; her name. Violet. A pretty name, like the flower, like her. It's fitting and she has bright eyes that make him think of gemstones. They're green and wide, electric and piercing in a way only eyes that color can be. He's playing right into her hands, he was done the moment he saw her.

The more specific things about her really drive him crazy. How soft she is, in all the bizarre ways: hair, skin, eyes, voice; being. She is a fire blazing, blurred around the edges. She is soft, and he can see it much better now in his mind. She is soft edges and curves with not a single sharp angle in her essence. And that's- it's not her body that can be described that way, not really. It was more of her way of existence, careful and contemplative. Calum is falling before he even gets the chance, he wants to know what's under her skin.

So he reaches.

And it's not his fault when he finds himself walking over to her flat uninvited; not really. He can't help himself, and he's on autopilot. The note has a charming tone to it, cute and apologetic, and he wishes he was better with words.

He slips the neatly folded paper under her door and he breathes deep, the thought of her sinking into his skin. He's ruffles his hair, scratching at his scalp softly before rubbing his eyes. It doesn't help him think of anything other than her. He gives up instead, and heads back to where he came from, hoping that Violet might like him enough to call that number on the note.

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She doesn't, it turns out, when four days later he still hasn't gotten so much as a text. And now, of course, Luke's figured it out too.

"So you guys went on a date-" Luke starts, shaking his head in exasperation. It seems that on a daily basis he has to remind himself that this is Calum; sweet, squishy-cheeked, lovely Calum. But God, he is fucking dumb sometimes.

"It was not a date." Calum tries to interrupt, but Luke just shoots him a pointed glare and Calum decides it might be a better idea for him to just shut his mouth.

At this point, Luke might as well be burning holes right through Calum's skin using a blowtorch with the way he's looking at him, but he's never been one for doing things the easy way, so Calum looks at his lap in an attempt to avoid the feeling of Luke's eyes. That doesn't seem to help much either, and Calum nearly feels himself crumble.

"You went on a date, and you tried to kiss her, and then you couldn't stop thinking about her so you wrote her a note that you slipped under her door but you blame her for avoiding you? You've known her how long? You're like some kind of stalker, dude." Luke doesn't want to deal with this, and Calum hears it in his voice. Why can't he get something right for once? Luke's probably thinking. Calum suddenly feels like a burden. "Buddy, I love you, but you sound like an idiot."

"Yeah, well, if you put it that way I guess." Calum sighs, shrugging but everything is too heavy and he slumps back into their couch.

"Do you even realize she was the only way you were gonna pass Statistics?" Luke sighs. He's exhausted the topic, so he gets to what he thinks is important: school.

Calum puts his face in both hands and huffs out. "Don't you realize I don't care about the grades? I want her."

Luke shakes his head and stands. They're both done with this, Luke realizes, so he decides to leave before he or Calum turns this into a fight that's not worth anything. "Listen, just... Don't do anything too crazy. Think whatever you're gonna do through, okay? I'll see you later."

And with that, he's gone, and Calum is left to deal with whatever this is alone, again.

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wow ok that was kinda long, right? I'm really shitty at updating so don't expect there to be a schedule! i'll try to update as often as possible.