In The Evening

II. What's eating at it ?

"You don't think it's sad?" She stared silently

"I mean killing yourself, yeah. Is it not ?" Still silence remained

Them tears that fell earlier would've helped her case, maybe. But they were all dried up as she just listened. Exhaling she still said nothing but closed her eyes.

Grabbing at the sleeves of her jacket, she was uncomfortable. The ones who didn't listened now looked at her; was she going to be on the suicide train next ?

Pulling out a chair, one kid by the name of Michael looked at her as he sat beside her "look, we are here for you, if you ever feel you're going to spiral. We are here" he placed his hand right over hers " I know they said say no to drugs but if you ever need a hook I mean it don't hurt to try. I wouldn't want that next call to be you hung yourself off the top of the stairs." It wasn't a shocking 'wow' moment when he said what he said because she didn't react except snorted before she broke into laughter.

"My name isn't Eva, you won't get that call"

The room and sound was now silent, they looked in disbelief as they couldn't believe what was just said. One person shrugged while another just looked. Were they dramatic? Yeah, probably. Shit to Terri it was dark humor, she is the one that's grieving over the loss and not them.

"You can't be saying shit like that" Sonya, a friend of hers spoke up

She looked at her "relax, it ain't that deep" She brought the bottle to her lips and enduldged in the liquor that was being passed out to the party goers.

"I'm just saying, that shit will be looked as inconsiderate. I get you're grieving but that's not cool, If I lost my sibling I wouldn't be sitting here making shitty ass jokes or comments like that"

Terri was growing frustrated, she didn't come out to hear them bring up Eva. She was a nonfactor in the world and these people didn't give a fuck when she was here, so why did it actually matter what was said when she was no longer here?

Standing up the water works finally came "you know, ya'll aren't out here being reminded of the person you loved so much is not here anymore. How am I suppose to overcome this? how the fuck do I get through this?-" she choked out unable to continue on, so she walked out.

Nobody chased her when she pushed out that door and to the night air, those tears disappeared making her exhaled that feeling she held on the entire night.

It was around December so the snow was finally starting to stick but they didn't get inches yet only the freezing tempature. A month since that call and a month of trying to overcome it all, but why did it seem so much easier in the books or movies ? There was no time jump but those moments. She felt the sharpness in her fingers as she placed her gloves on even the numbness on her cheeks, she could feel it all because it was directly in that moment and she was living through it.

2/13/16
Tell me, do you actually get it ? Maybe I'm just not understanding but I am standing. I'm not hurting as I bleed and I'm not shocked but I am speechless. I watched around and I saw nothing but that light. My heart beating outside my chest and the running nose that I had. I watched but I didn't sit down I only watched, did that make me a coward ? Would they really judge me ? Who am i to say a big loud fuck you out to them? F U C K Y O U is the closest I'll ever get to it. Kill me. No kill you. Fuck why is it everytime I cry my head hurts ? W H Y Y O U M E. I'm tired. you seen me right through me and said nothing. You knew what happened that day. My homework is where it started and you claiming to take care of it, but took care of me.