In The Evening

I. Where Ill roam as I go.

11/9/19
I used to always wonder what my life would be like after I died. Or maybe if I went through with actually ending myself, I sat back contemplating how I'd go out and always come up empty handed or just coward out of actually doing what I said I would do. But if I coward out then maybe this wouldn't be out. When people always described those lost ones as "kind hearted" or "they were just the most selfless person I ever met" etc. I would have to question that if that were the case and you loved that person as you made out then why didn't you notice the signs? Check up on them? If this reached to you don't bury me, just let me burn. It may sound selfish but I rather be at peace in my own way not the way that everybody wanted—

Placing down the note Terri wiped the tears from her eyes. She looked around the silent and grey room feeling her heart yearning but no one was able to catch it. She looked down at the wooden chair and wondered was this her final moments ? In her eyes, it was selfish but who was she to blame that on ? No one seen it or maybe somebody did, this wasn't just something somebody did in a spur of the moment or so she thought. Placing down the paper her fingers trembled; why? Why ?

She had no other question other than "why?". She hated crying because all it did was create headaches. The room use to be filled with light and now it was just only grey. How do you come back from this ? How do you move on from it ? She couldn't answer what seemed to be the most simplest questions.

Walking out the chatter went silent as eyes were on her. She didn't know even half the people that was there and she knew that her sister, Eva didn't either. So why were they there ? She looked through the sea of people til she met with ones that she knew. They held a tired expression and she could feel it.

"I'm so sorry" , " she was a beautiful girl " , "it will be ok, she's with God" is all she heard as she passed by. Those same ones that spoke of their beliefs also knew she didn't gain wings, nobody knew it was just their dumb ass beliefs. She wanted to say out loud but she gave a small head nod and continued moving through the crowd til she reached the door. No where to go, the room was grey.