𝐢 𝐚𝐦 𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐮𝐬
"Wanna explain?" She grinned like a little Cheshire Cat. I gulped not liking what that might make me. Was I Alice in Wonderland? No, of course not Cara are you mad she goes mad, you always have been. Hmm, maybe the Mad Hatter then?
"Cara!" I woke up out of my anxiety head spiral to Lucy pouring a rather large glass of wine. "Bro, what the fuck?" She laughed shaking her head at me.
"What! I don't own New York?" I shrugged. "I can't control who I bump into."
"Are you going to call Timmy?" She asked raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah yeah, of course," I gulped some wine, "let me just finish this first." I gurgled into my glass.
"Dude; he's not going to be mad." I laughed at that.
"Not at me, but I have a feeling about something else..." I hesitated.
"What?"
I chewed my cuticles. "Well isn't his album releasing next week?"
"Oh my god." She stated. Then she laughed at me. Because apparently seeing your sister in a state of emotional turmoil is brilliant entertainment.
"Lucy!" I groaned. "You're supposed to be consoling me."
"You're the one who decided to write a sexy love album with your ex." She laughed at me rolling around the bed hiding under the duvet.
"I need to talk to T." I paused. "Do I?" I tilted my head to the side. "I don't really have to right?"
She kept laughing at my turmoil. "You know you do." She tried to get her giggling to a halt. "Do you even know what songs he'll be releasing?"
My eyes shot wide open.
"What if he's written other songs. Or what if he's changed the perspective."
"Maybe you need to talk to him?"
"Who? Harry? No, no, no. That -," I paused hands in my hair, "is really not a good idea. I think T might actually-,"
"Do what?" She interrupted.
"I don't know! I have no idea what he'd do. He's never had to deal with any of my ex's."
"Well, because before him you didn't have any..." Lucy, unhelpfully pointed out.
"I mean I don't know what to expect." I crossed my arms.
"Speak to him."
"You're right. I need him to hear from me first."
I got up huffing and dialled his number.
"Hey, mon chérie - tout ça va?" His rough New York accent softened my breathing.
"Ah oui, mais," my french thoughts ran out, "I bumped into Harry."
"Okay." He paused. "And did he apologise?"
"Nah, no, just - the thing is. You know we wrote a lot of songs together and," I paused chewing my nail.
"Cara?" The way he asked my name soothed me.
"I just don't want you to think that's how I feel. I don't love him and I love you."
"Cara," he laughed, "I know." He nervously laughed back. "I love you too. It's okay." I heard him breathing on the other line and matched it with mine. "Okay well I have to go, rehearsals and all but I'll see you at home tonight." He hung up.
I fell on my back onto my bed and pulled up my phone.
Meg: Harry wanted you hear this before it's released, it's the first single off the album. Want to grab a coffee this week?
As It Was.MP3
I clicked on the audio hastily. It was only once I tried to gulp down confusion with wine did I realise my glass was empty.
Now don't forget, I am madly in love with T - I mean I always have been really. Can't even help it. But a part of me - a small part that eats away does make me feel guilty.
When everything gets in the way
Seems you cannot be replaced
And I'm the one who will stay
Guilty that for a little while anyway, I didn't think of him first. I loved him of course - but I don't think I was in love with him when I was with Harry. I don't know. What I do know is that when I was with Harry I didn't spend so much time thinking about T. Which I guess is understandable but for some reason I feel like it's unforgivable. I mean how do you move on from that?
In this world, it's just us
You know it's not the same as it was
But it's fine. Harry did what he did and by the time he had cheated I wasn't in it, not the way I thought I would be. I spent a year of my life with him sure, and that deserves some respect in one regard. But we both had other people who crept into our heads some nights. Or so I thought...
I don't wanna talk about the way that it was
Leave America, two kids follow her
I don't wanna talk about who's doin' it first
Listening to a song I knew for a fact was about me, after all the time T and I had spent together I'd almost completely forgotten how much I did care about him when we were together. And it wasn't all friendly, it wasn't at all. It was passionate and crazy and frenzied sort of adoration.
You know it's not the same as it was
Not until I'd seen him that day; or heard that song did I truly realise and acknowledge how much I had loved Harry and that really - I think I realised for the first time that I had been in love with him.
