heart me

twelve

it's so unfair

"why didn't you tell me?" kaiya asks softly giving me a small hand squeeze.

"i was going to tell you" i mumble staring out the window.

"were you though?"

"of course i was. i just needed a bit more time" i tell her as my hands tremble a bit. 

"okay" is all i get before we fall back into silence, I know she has more to say but I don't bother.

we just got back from the hospital to get the fetus out, they let me sit and have some skin to skin with the extremely tiny undeveloped human.

it was so small.

it was an emotional, scary moment.

i don't think i've ever cried so much in my life, kaiya got her chance and cuddled me after.

she tried to cheer me up with flowers and food but it's still untouched, i completely ran out of appetite.

"come here" kaiya calls me over onto her lap and hugs me tightly with her head in my neck. she has completely helped me through the process and has stayed strong for me.

i know she'll break soon. if she hasn't already without me knowing.

"do you think maybe you will be willing to have a second planned try?" she asks softly.

"i don't know. i don't think so, at least not yet" she nods understandingly.

"of course, i meant in the future baby" i nod against her shoulder as i stare out the window feeling completely numb.

on the other note: we were supposed going to have a boy.

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