To my second heartbreak | letter two.

732.

As I'm writing this, tears are streaming down my face. My body feels heavy. My heart is shattered in front of my eyes. Kehlani's melodies are comforting me on this monday night. A chilly night that makes the softeness of my bed covers undeniably irresistible. I've decided to write this letter to put away feelings that will never really truly leave me, but hopefully fade away with time. Here I am, with a broken heart 3 years after I thought I would never love again. Here I am, 3 years later, wishing I had never met you. Here I am, now forced to live on with the pain of knowing you won't be part of my life, and accepting the fact that your existence will leave a hole in my heart that no other man will ever fill. No eyes as deep as yours, no laughs as resonant as yours, no hair as boucy as yours, will ever make me believe that there could be better. Nothing and no one will ever be able to make me believe that you were just a bad memory, and as long as I will know your existence, I don't think a day will go by without me wondering, what if? What if I had the courage to tell you hi everytime I saw you? What if I had the courage to tell you how important you were? how strong you were? What if I had let you know that you worked so hard to be where you were? What if I had the guts to tell you that I loved you, with my whole fucking being? What stopped me from telling you my feelings? I panicked. It has been so long since I had felt this feeling. The butterflies everytime you looked in my direction. This gut wrenching feeling of happiness everytime you called my name. These undescribable moments where I felt this connection between us. Those 3 seconds of silence, those 3 seconds of pure bliss when we stared at each other in between conversations where the unsaid was left in the air. It has happened 4 times. The first time, I had asked you if you wanted a piece of a cake I made. You turned around, almost in disbelief, mixed with a bit of excitement. « Yes. I would really love to. Thank you. Thank you. » We locked eyes. I tried to play it cool, but it definitely was the scariest moment of my life. The second time, we were having a conversation with my friend. Reminiscing about college. I was trying hard to act like I was in control, but inside, wars were being fought to keep ms. anxiety from acting up. It was the first time we had a conversation without your friends around, and it felt good to have this opportunity to talk to you. You made a comment about some of your classes, and as we laughed, we locked eyes. It lasted 3 seconds, but we connected for the second time. I looked at you, and your whole being. Your beautiful body, your tan skin, your beautiful braids. Your voluptuous lips. It was beautiful. The third time, we were downstairs, watching a tv-show that you obviously didn't like. You wanted a summary before you watched the upcoming episode, and after my friend gave you a 2 line resumé, something we both did not expect, we both looked at each other, instinctly, and laughed. In the dark room, where the tv's light reflected on your eyes, and your fresh wet hair from the shower you took the hour before. It smelled fruity, herbal essence maybe? That's what I thought. This moment felt sweet and warm. The last time we stared at each felt bittersweet. It felt out of place. It felt empty. It was late a night. I had just watched a movie with my friends. You were coming in & out of the kitchen. I had left to go pick something in my room, and when I came back, we both ran into each other. I expected you to turn around quick, and just ignore me, like you always did. But you stopped. I stopped. 3 seconds. We looked at each other. It felt like a whole minute just went by. No words came out of our mouths. I looked at you, you looked at me dead in the eyes. « Sorry ». « My bad ». That's what we said to each other. This exchange felt so different. So bitter. So sad. 3 seconds felt like an eternity. You looked tired. I was worried. And I couldn't do anything about it. And at that point, I didn't care anymore. From the first time we locked eyes, to now, I went from feeling on cloud 9, to being pulled on the ground with exhuberating force against my will. I felt so hurt. Not for the things you did to me. It was because of the things you said about others. The way your soul became dark and gloomy everytime you said something inappropriate. The way your eyes went from being warm to scary when you weren't being considerate to others, from your friends to your side bitch. One time became most of the time, and I saw you for who you truly were: not the man I wanted you to be, but a normal 19 year old who was just as lost as I was at that age. A 19 year old boy, that wanted desperately to find himself through his mistakes. A 19 year old boy who simply did not deserved to have so many high expectations from someone as imperfect as me. A young boy who had the right to live the way he chose to and grow at his pace. I was just too eager for you to skip that phase, I couldn't understand that you had the right to direct your life the best you thought. I was just so disappointed that you were wiling to hurt yourself and have regrets. It hurted me, and angered me. But, A, do you want to know something? The day I met you, I don't think anything could ever describe what I felt. No words will ever be able to put the chemical reactions that happened in my body on paper. You are the most beautiful person I've met. Ever. I couldn't believe my eyes. 3 seconds. From afar, seeing you walking in, with your beautiful tanned golden skin. Your tall, leaned and muscled body. Your flourishing curly hair. Your deep, brown eyes, that turned almost green in daylight. It was so beautiful. You were so beautiful. There was a point in time, where I was ready to put all my values aside, all the things I stood up for, to be part of you. I was ready to kiss your flaws with no second thoughts, I was ready to taste every bit of your body, explore everything with my open heart, even at the risk of hurting myself. I wanted you so bad it was insane. Seeing you everyday became more painful, as the day approached where I wouldn't be able to stress about meeting you in the hallways of the dorms, or see you alone in the kitchen eating pasta for the 100th time, or hear you scream at the top of your lungs when you were playing your games on the weekends. And that day came. I couldn't find the courage to address my feelings to you, because I was scared to be scarred even more. But I want you to know that, through all the silent stares, all the times you looked at me at the corner of your eyes thinking I didn't noticed, all the times you said thank you to me, all the times you tried to talk to me even when I gave the cold shoulders, all the times I missed your smiles, all the times you held the door for me, all the times you were a gentleman to me and made me feel like a woman, I will never forget. You came in a different mindset than me, I was growing & evolving as a young woman & you were trying to find an escape. You weren't ready for the love I had for you, a forgiving, overflowing, blind love for you. And it's okay. Love? How could I have loved you? This is not the point. I was not in love with you, I was ready to LOVE you. I was ready to forgive, put the effort, make sacrifices, give you my all. That's the love I'm talking about. And I think that's why this time, it felt so different from my past love. Because despite every sign you showed, I was willing to try. And for me, letting go of something like that, was doing the unthinkable.Now, the hardest part for me will begin: going on with my life knowing you will move on with yours. Knowing that one day, after verifying your instagram page, you will probably go from « medical student to Dr. » & from « unlocked to locked ». You will probably fall in love, and I will cry. Because until that day comes, I will still hope everyday that you will see me and see your everything in my eyes. Because I will still hope that one day, you will call me  and declare your love for me. Because I will still hope for the family that I dream of, and wish that I could have my forever with you. Right now it hurts so much. I regret so many things, but I still believe that now wasn't the time, and it wasn't in my right to put you on this pedestal when you are still trying to find yourself in this chaos. But I loved you. I love you so much. Thank you for making me feel like this again, but forgive me if I still act bitter, because the thought of not having you in my protection will hurt me for some time. I sincerely wish you the best, A. I'm sorry it couldn't be you, but I hope that in another universe, another dimension, my other version is happy with you, and is loved by you endlessy.

With love,
632.