Damon

Chapter 12

The last time I ate was a piece of toast almost 24 hours ago. You know when you're so down that even the thought of eating feels like too much? And then you've already gone too long without eating that your stomach feels like the size of a quarter and you feel like you can't fit any food?

Yeah, I'm definitely depressed.

"Here baby, small bites at a time." My mom puts a paper plate with a sandwich she made in front of me. It's been about two weeks since a saw Jen and Jacob together. I avoided them to the best that I could and my mom even let me stay home from school the past couple of days. It has affected me so much that I couldn't hide it from my mom anymore. I broke down and told her what happened with them. She has been so supportive and has even signed me up for therapy that I start tomorrow.

"Thank you." I mumble with the little energy I have left in me. I usually love the sandwiches she makes. It has just the right amount of each ingredient but I have to force myself to even take a small bite.

After I ate about half of the sandwich, mom ran me a bath and I am currently curled up in my blanket searching through YouTube on my phone, trying to find something to watch.

"Oh my god!" I am interrupted by the sound of my mom yelling from downstairs. I immediately throw the blanket off of me and rush down the stairs along with Melina who is also running from her room.

Mom is standing at the kitchen counter with a piece of paper in her hand and a giant box on the table. A look of disbelief covers her face as she hands me the paper. swiftly, I read it.

Dear Clara, Grace, and Melina,

I think you all should know that David has stage 4 cancer. He is most likely not going to make it but has a few months left in him. In the box, I included some gifts and letters that he has sent to you guys throughout the years. The reason that you're receiving them now is because I stopped them from getting to you. I told him I would mail them for him since I work next to the post office but really, I hid them in the attic. I grew jealous and wanted him to focus on his new family, not his old one and I apologize for that. He never knew that you didn't get his packages but I did recently come clean to him about it. Rightfully so, he was furious. I made him believe all these years that you guys hated him so much that you never wrote back. I truly feel terrible for what I've done and I am so sorry to all of you. David wants to see his daughters. We are willing to pay for the flight. Is there any chance that you all can fly-in next month? It would make him so happy to see his girls one last time. I'll leave our number at the bottom if you want to reach out. If not, we understand.

- Luisa

My jaw drops as I rummage through the box, finding years worth of birthday cards, money, stuffed animals, and souvenirs from different places like California, Hawaii, Italy, and Rome. This included keychains with our names on them and good luck charms. I thought all this time that he didn't care about us anymore when it was his mistress that hid all of these. A part of me feels relief but another part of me feels angry that she created this mess of a situation.

But nothing could prepare me for the sudden sadness I felt when I realized that my father who actually did care for me is dying. Flashes of Jen and Jacob kissing in front of me also pops into my mind. My life is falling apart. I fall to the floor while streams of warmness rush down my face. A loud sob escapes my mouth as my mom kneels down and puts her arms around me. I let everything I have ever held in out of my system. I don't hold back the loud cries that come from my mouth as I hold onto my mom.

A few minutes later my head and chest start hurting as a continue to bawl. My mom put a cold glass of water in my hand but I can't bring myself to take a sip. Instead, gagging noises come from me as I stand up and sprint to the sink, almost spilling the water. Chunks of the sandwich mom made are now in the sink along with whatever liquids were in my stomach. In a way, puking almost feels good because I am feeling something other than sadness.

~~~~~~~

"So, do you ever think of harming yourself or others?"

"No."

"Okay." Jessica responds softly while writing something in a notebook. This is my new therapist and I didn't expect someone who looked so fresh out of college. I also don't like her style. A blazer, striped dress, and bright red flats are very interesting fashion choices. Maybe I am being too judgy but it is hard for me to focus when her outfit is so flashy.

"Tell me Grace, what is going on with your life that made you seek therapy?" She asks with a small smile to show comfort. Does she really care about my mental health? Or is she just trained to ask certain questions and pretend to give a shit?

" I-I think I'm depressed." I cautiously respond.

"Why is that? What makes you think you're depressed?" A part of that response makes me feel like she's challenging my thought on depression. But again, she is just trained to ask these dumb questions.

"Two of the most important people in my life left me. My best friend and my boyfriend. Now they are dating and rubbing it in my face." I decide to be honest because I guess this is what therapy is for.

Jessica's eyebrows raise for a second and I can't tell if she wanted me to notice or not. She then writes down in her notebook and looks back up at me. "That sounds terrible. How is your relationship with your family?"

I almost forgot the newest news in my life. "Oh, and my dad is dying but he wasn't really around for most of my life."

Eyebrows again are raised on Jessica as she quickly speaks. "I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to cope with the thought of losing a family member. We'll cover mechanisms for dealing with depression and grief in a minute but tell me, do you have any hobbies or things in your life that kind of take you away from reality? It is really important to have an escape when life gets hard."

My mind immediately goes to Damon. Drawing and jogging help me sometimes but not as much as him. As much as he terrifies me, there is still a part of him that gives me a thrill. I've been ignoring the thought of Damon since the last nightmare but I kind of miss him. I don't even know why he is a big deal to me in the first place if he doesn't exist. He is just a character my mind makes up when asleep to bring excitement into my life but it has to end. I have taken it too far. That is probably something a therapist could explain.

"I started having dreams of this guy. He was creepy at first but I started to like it. I would fantasize about him often. Now it is getting scary and I don't know why this has happened. I tried to stop thinking of him but it is so hard. I don't know if you know anything about that or if you have advice to make it stop."

"Well, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. If this fantasy guy is making you feel better and distracting you from the stressors in life, then I think it's a good thing for you. If this was a real person then that is another story, but he is made up. No harm in that. Fantasize all you want." She responds with no hesitation.

Maybe she is right. He does excite me to the point of forgetting reality. He is all in my head after all. What is the harm?

I can't wait to fall asleep tonight.