Captivated in the darkness

Chapter 13

I was sinking, falling. I struggled to open my eyes but my world was a blur, a mirage. Not real.

  Could it be real?

  All around me there was blaring light and muffled voices, but I couldn’t lift my head to see where they came from. A man wearing a white coat came into view and spoke.Mulder? I was in an episode of The X-files. No, that didn’t make sense. Scientist? Doctor? Madman with a scalpel? I couldn’t make out what he said, but his face seemed full of reassurances, false promises, empty words in a tone meant to pacify me. Then there was a tunnel of soft blue light surrounding me. I wanted to say something, or get up, but the pain was too intense. My eyes closed in their heaviness, and I sunk back into myself.

  There were other moments of time when I drifted in and out of consciousness, but I couldn’t remember them clearly. Time was irrelevant. It was not now, or then, or later.

  There was only pain. More pain. Less pain. It was the only constant.

  I’m sinking.

  Down.

  Down.

  Down.

  No bottom, only down – forever.

  I’m crying? I can’t be sure.

  It must be because I’m burning.

  I’m sinking and I’m burning.

  Mother was right. I’m going to hell.

  Can a person make such a huge mistake they can never be forgiven?

  I guess so.

  I don’t want to burn. I don’t want to fall forever, dragged down.

  Forever – it’s unimaginable.

  There has to be an end to the suffering. I don’t deserve this.

  “It wasn’t all my fault!”

  I trusted him too. He said it would be okay. A kiss. A touch. A few more kisses. A few more touches. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t all my fault!

  Forgive me.

  Forgive me.

  You bitch…forgive me.

  I’m sinking. Still burning.

  Forever.

  I opened my eyes. For certain this time. Dark. Just a low lamp in the corner. Startled, I tried to move all at once and my entire body contracted in pain with the effort. For a moment I thought I might still be dreaming. My body burned. I placed a hand on my ri
bs and felt the bandages surrounding my midsection. It hurts to breathe. I kept hearing a low buzz in my ears and I realised that it was coming from inside me. I saw pinpricks of dots every time I moved my head and the light hurt. My fingers and gaze followed the pattern of damage. My left arm was in a sling across my neck, and my nose was covered in a type of tape. My eyes were puffy and blinking felt like a chore, an exercise in futility but a necessary one. Gently, I touched my face again, carefully removing the cakiness around my eyes.

  There was a shadow, man-shaped, sitting quietly and unmoving in the corner. I squinted and leaned forward. Fuck the pain. Caleb, sitting eerily unmoving and in the dark with me.

  “Try not to move,” he said just above a whisper. He leaned into the light. The initial impulse was to move but the pain stopped me, and Caleb, his appearance disarming. He looked rough, like he’d been to hell and back. Me too. Pieces floated to me, some sharp, others vague. Every second of that moment played again, in fast forward, then slow motion, then fast again.