Short Stories

Am I unloveable

Authors notes:

A sort of poem?? I don't understand poems really. Is it was freestyle? With repetition. This is why I'm not an English major. A chemistry major. I like chemistry.

A little different and I wrote this almost 3 months ago. My diplomas just arrived in the mail this past week. Yep. Diplomas with an 's'. There are two. And I've never been more proud of myself. I went from being the kid who wouldn't finish high school due to learning disabilities to the college grad. So yeah.

This is a little different than what I usually write. And I know it's been a minute since I published anything. It doesn't mean I haven't been working on things. Im just not finishing anything right now. But I wanted to get this out there. Share a little about me.

And finally I did cry while both writing and rereading this so tissue warning. There is probably some TW I'm missing here
***

What if it was just me. What if I'm the problem. After all these years was it I who was impossible to be loved.

I am after all the forgotten child. The wanted replacement but managed to be the forgotten one. The one it was okay to love less than the others.

Slowly but surely it happened. First it started off small with group chats that I was no longer apart of. Then it escalated to not receiving birthday or holiday cards but what hurt the most was when I graduated last week and not only did my parents forget it was my graduation I was blamed for ruining everyone's day. But that's okay. I am, after all, alone to love myself because if I don't no one will.

Three days after I was suppose to walk at my own graduation my brother who got a certificate of completion, an extension of his high school diploma, received cards, letters, gifts, a dinner out, post on socials about how proud everyone was of him. Good for him this isn't about me being jealous. He does deserve praise after all. He was always the more loveable one. I was incapable of being loved.

While I, who had received an actual college degree along with a certificate, didn't even get a congratulations. Two diplomas and nothing for it. Three years of nonstop school work, hours and hours of studying, countless all nighters for not even a congratulations. Not even a "good work." That hurt the most. The tightness in my chest that night was too much to bare, it was that night I learned they wouldn't care what happened to me. I was forever and always the child that didn't matter. A child better left behind. The unloved child.

A week later at dinner my mom brought up that my grandmother posted about my brother graduating from college because she didn't understand this wasn't a university or college degree and she was excited to have another grandkid graduate college...Besides my sister...my mom didn't say anything she'd already disregarded my degree. She didn't say anything about how I had graduated. It was like she forgot. I had graduated college with a 3.5 gpa. I had graduated with honors and had I been able to walk I would've gotten a cord. I got accepted into every school I applied for to continue my education. Why didn't I matter enough to be recognized as a grandkid or even a kid that graduated. Then I remembered. I can't be loved so therefore I don't matter.

After all these years I learned I was to be an ornament in the room. The equivalent to a statue. I'm a decoration not a person.

After all these years I learned I was to be a servent. The only thing I'm good for is following directions, take you brother here, pick up this ingredient, go to the vet, make dinner.

After all:

I. Can't. Be. Love.