Like I said in the first part I really think that I am mostly a happy person,but when I get down I become a completely different person. I just start to not care about anything in my life. My mind just basically becomes darkness. All I am able to think about is the bad things in life. I think that I barely go like this because I always try to think about the good things that happen in life. For example, if I were to get hit by a car I would probably think that at least now I can relax in a bed. I always try to find the positives in life. No matter how hard things get I always try to find the good in things. I can't really say that this always work. In my life I have gotten to see that somethings are just horrible.
Some people say that I am a funny person, but I can't really see it. It is just the way I think. I just always say all the things that will lighten up the mood. I would most likely go as far as bringing myself down to just get my friends happy. I hate to see anyone is a position where they feel down. It is the worst feeling I have ever been through so I always try to get people feeling better. I wouldn't mind being forever depressed if made my friends happy.
I always like to put people in front of myself. If I could help someone before myself I will help that person. It really makes my day whenever I help people because I feel like they get to see the nice in people. Most people say that you should always think about yourself first, but I can't really think that way. I guess I'm just to nice to everyone. I never want for someone to see me as a bully. I swear on my life that I rather die then to become a bully.
All throughout elementary school people just loved making fun of me. No one really wanted to be my friend. I felt alone and cold. I would feel like I was in ta ice room whenever I went to school. I hate the thought of going to school. When this started happening I started to do worst in my classes. I couldn't find something to really push me to really try. This ended up making all my teachers think that I was just plain dumb or just didn't have the drive to learn in school. The reason I was bullied in school was because of my sister. She would just make fun of me with her friends. She would do anything to just fit in. This thing really disgust me. I couldn't believe that she it me through hell just so she can have friends. I remember one of her friends had a little crush on me, but my sister couldn't have someone like her brother so she just told her a bunch of lies about me. After done talking with my sister she stopped liking me and started hating me. This was probably the only girl that has ever had a crush on me and it was ruined just because of my sister. After that happened, I started to think less of myself. This affected me in more ways then she thought.
From that event, I have had very low self esteem. I always think the worst about myself because of the people that were around me. I remember my sister and her friends callings ugly and annoying while my dad would tell me how fat I have gotten. I never really had anyone complimenting me. No one told that I was attractive or even just cool. Everyone just wanted to bring me down to a level where they thought I belonged. All of this created the way I think, which is really bad about myself. People now tell me better things but I'm not really able to see the good in myself. I just think horrible of myself. I don't really talk to too many females because I really don't think they want to talk to me. They probably still think the same way they did when I was little. I'm think I'm just that one annoying ugly kid. I find it easier to see the worst in myself instead of the better but not much I can do.
I really think I act the I do is because of this. I rather have people see me as a joke or a goof ball instead of seeing me as annoying and ugly. In the future I will probably have to change this feature about myself, but right now I really have no idea how to.
The thing is that I can't really write about what type of person I am because I don't really know what type of person I am. I remember when I joined the high school I wanted to fit in so bad. I wanted to be that cool kid. I would have done anything to fit in, but that isn't me anymore. I can care less on fitting in. It doesn't even affect me anymore when people call me a loser or a nerd or anything bad because I have already heard it. I just react as if they said nothing. I can act that to most people, but I can't do it all the time.
The people who can get me feeling like dirt at anytime are my parents. Their words are like daggers that just go into my skin and hurt me every time they yell at me. My relationship with them has become a debate club. No matter what I do I will always get yelled at. Coming home is probably the hardest part of my day because I already know what is going to happen. I rather be in school then to be at home doing nothing. There are soapy reason I rather be in school. For example, I get to see the people that me out the most which are my friends. I know that most of them will be on my side to make me feel better and mold me into a better person. I the second reason is that I can to play music. I can't really play my trumpet in my house because my parents don't like it. They find my playing loud and annoying. I have not played inside my house for about four years. I barely even get to play outside without my parents getting mad. Truly school is a escape to my life at home. People get probably don't think I think this way whenever I go to school because I am always happy. They probably think that I am just the same after school. I guess I'm just the type of person who just wants the future the come.
