So This Is Life

Breathe

When I was younger I used to time things.

I would count seconds and watch clocks.

Everything about time fascinated me.

Sometimes I would have contests with my brothers.

I would bet them that I could do something longer or faster than they could.

On one particular day I remember betting that I could go the longest without breathing.

As I counted seconds and held my breath I could feel time slowing down.

I didn't breathe until everyone else had given up and I was blue in the face.

I felt like my head would explode if I went on any longer.

Three minutes and forty two point seven seconds.

That's what the stopwatch that I carried around had said.

That's how long I could go without air in my lungs.

Those three minutes and forty two point seven seconds were the longest in my life.

I had never seen time slow down that way before.

Then I met you.

You walked into my life and I swear, time stood still.

Just like when I was the little girl that refused to be the first to breathe.

Everything was calm and peaceful.

For the first time in forever I was able to process the world around me.

But eventually I had to breathe again.

The first breath after not breathing for so long is always a shock.

Everything speeds up with such a force it almost knocks you over.

That's what it had felt like when I realized that I was letting you go.

It came out of nowhere and hit me hard and fast.

Now don't get me wrong I am not telling you this because I think you care.

I'm simply telling you because I think you deserve some sort of explanation.

I'm sorry that this is the best that I could come up with.

But loving you was a lot like holding my breath.

Eventually I had to breathe again.

It was either that or I would die.

So I hope you can forgive me for leaving you.

I'm just not ready to die yet.

And when I finally am I really hope it isn't because I chose to love somebody so toxic I couldn't breathe.