I Knew

Self-Reflection

Opening my old laptop & being granted access to its content from 2017 was like opening a pandora's box. All of our conversations. Our memories. As they said, curiosity killed the cat. That afternoon, curiosity got the better of me. 

I opened our old conversations. In my head, I had always painted you out to be the bad person and made myself believe that I was trapped, I was the victim, and that I did no wrong. I really made you out to be the villain in our story. The truth is... we were both villains. We were both toxic. I read the pleas you sent me in texts. The emotions you were feeling and the cold responses you received from me as I dismissed them. One sentence will forever stay with me... 

"You don't want a boyfriend, you want a slave"

Do I? Do I want a relationship out of the convenience it provides me with by having someone to keep around?

At 25, I don't understand how 20 years old me ended a 3-year relationship without giving it more thought. I did not reflect on it. Instead, I pushed it away. I pushed away all the memories, I pushed away all of my feelings. I wanted to go on as if you didn't exist. I didn't care how you were feeling. I didn't care what you might have been going through. I was selfish. I only cared for myself. 

In February, I tried to reach out to you. I tried to apologize, to own up to my mistakes even though it took me nearly 5 years to recognize my own toxic behaviors. I can't properly describe the sensation that traveled throughout my body when you referred to me using my old nickname. It was as if... time had barely passed... How you casually asked about my family, asking about my dad. It felt good. It was a validation that, yes, we were once together. The history of us will forever be there and cannot be changed. There will always be familiarity & intimacy. Because whether we like it or not... Once upon a time...  we knew everything there is to know about each other... 

There were and still are so many unspoken words I wish I could tell you. I want you to see the person who I've become. I want you to be proud of the person I've evolved to be. Not because I want you back. But because I hope you are able to see me with care in your eyes and be proud to say, "Ahh, yes. This is the person I once loved. The person who was once was my everything." I am not in love with you anymore. I do not long for you. But you will always hold a special place in my heart. Because as much harm was brought forth towards the end of our relationship, there also was so much love and innocence. You were the first real relationship, the first "firsts" I've experienced. So much emotional intensity you can only really experience at the beginning of all relationships that I can no longer replicate with current or future relationships.

I am not in love with you. I do not long for you. But I care, I will always care. I wish you nothing but happiness.