The Magpie's Death

Bitter and Obvious (2)

Jack snapped out of his stupor and gave Sam a single, agreeing bob of the head. Patting his sister's shoulder, he sighed out, "Watch the desk for me."

Then he followed into the kitchen, dragging himself along until they were both hidden from the foyer. Sam gestured for him to sit, but he refused. The two stood instead, Jack leaning uncomfortably against the island with Sam across from him at the counter. Neither made eye contact, staring at their hands or feet or the floor.

"This wasn't what I was going to ask," Sam began, avoiding the real reason they were in the kitchen like this, "but it's bothering me now."

He looked up and for some reason, Jack seemed nervous. Was it that stressful to have a conversation with him? Maybe he no longer enjoyed it after everything that happened, but he had to clear this up.

"Am I not good enough? As a parent? Why does Ellie need a mother? I know I'm not a great father. Maybe she needs something else..."

Jack's hands went out and he darted forward to close the gap between them, pausing shy of touching. "Of course not! You're a wonderful father. Don't listen to my sister. She doesn't know." His words should have been encouraging, but they came out distressed.

"Why are you so upset? It was just a question." Sam examined him, trying to read whatever was swirling in the deep green. "And you said it too."

With a sigh, Jack moved to rest beside him, hanging his head and letting the counter support him as he slouched. "I didn't mean it. Ellie's lucky to have you. I was just... feeling bitter."

"Why?"

"You're kidding, right? You're gonna make me say it?" Jack pleaded with his eyes, but Sam didn't budge.

They had been dodging this for long enough. He didn't know why Jack was hiding whatever bothered him. Or why he wouldn't tell him the reason he was angry or hurt or frustrated, or whatever mix of emotions made him act this way. But Sam had avoided this as well. He thought it was out of guilt, knowing he'd made mistakes and thinking it was best to let Jack cool off. Looking at Jack like this, he realized that wasn't it. He was afraid. Afraid that having this conversation would end everything. Or worse, that it might start something. Still, he had to know.

"How can I understand if you don't say it?"

Jack turned his gaze away. "Because it was so obvious." There was silence and he shifted awkwardly. "I was mad, about... that night. Then you started spending all your free time at that woman's house. Then Jade said you're dating... It made me bitter."

"You were bitter because I was spending time with Michelle and because Jade thought we were dating?" Sam had already figured that out, but still didn't know why that was an issue. Because I am always with Michelle... "You're jealous?"

Jack nodded and his cheeks flushed. That was obviously the reason, but it didn't make sense.

"But I'm not dating her," Sam insisted yet again, frustrated that this was because of such a stupid misunderstanding. "I told you why I went over there. If you were upset, you could have just asked."

"You really aren't good at this." His face was still pink, but Jack chuckled. It was a comforting sound and Sam's heart thumped against his chest. "When you're jealous, you wallow in doubt and self-pity, letting your imagination run wild. It's embarrassing."

"That sounds completely unnecessary."

Jack chuckled again and finally flashed him an honest smile. "You've never been jealous?"

"No." He answered quickly, but then Sam took a breath, remembering one moment. "Maybe I was once. Of you, and Finn."

"What?" Jack slid down the counter, stopping short of brushing his shoulder. "Why would you be jealous of us?"

He turned to look at Jack's curious half-smile and wondered if he should say it. That night, he told himself to have control. This could be another mistake. It wasn't the reason he came back and it was dangerous, but seeing Jack at his side, looking into his shining eyes, he wanted to make those mistakes.

He inhaled, filling his tight lungs and holding the air until it began to burn. Then he exhaled, knowing he would never win this fight.

"It was the morning I left. You were sharing stories about college. About life. The things everyone chats about. It was so normal. But I've never had a life I could talk about... and I was leaving my only chance for that behind."

Jack took his hand and squeezed it. It was only for a moment and his fingers fell away. Then he let out a short laugh and an audible sigh.

"How can someone be so frustrating?"

"Does that mean you're not bitter anymore?"

Sam had done so many things wrong, he didn't expect forgiveness. But if they could just talk again, perhaps he could fix this.

Shrugging, Jack flashed him a playful smile. "I guess it depends on what happens now. How I feel and what I want is clear, but you keep confusing me."

Sam found the courage to make eye contact. The dark green swirled and he realized now what every confusing expression had meant. He'd never seen them before because no one had ever looked at him that way. After a life without emotion, too cold and empty to even feel lonely, this was his chance to change.

Keeping his gaze fixed on the green, he shifted until his palms pressed into the edge of the counter. His body just barely rested against Jack's, his arms boxing him in and their faces close enough to feel the warmth of breath on his cheek. Jack's blushing was obvious now, the freckles covering his cheekbones muddled and fading into the red.

Tracing the line of specks under his eye, Sam came to his decision quickly. Finn had been right. Finn was always right. If it was these eyes, this face, this warmth – if it was this man, he would let him say and do anything. And he would do anything for him.

"I'm confused too," Sam admitted, gentle enough to make Jack flinch. "I don't understand any of this. The only thing I know is that I'm scared."

Fear wasn't a familiar feeling, but he still knew it. It buried itself deeper into his heart every time they were together.

Jack's fingers reached for his jaw and there was a sadness in his smile. "Because you think you're dangerous."

"I am dangerous." He had no doubt about that, whatever Jack thought. "Getting involved with me is dangerous. And if something happened to you..."

Before Jack could respond, there were loud voices in the foyer. Sam felt a chill run up his spine. In one swift motion, his arm was around Jack's waist, restraining his movement, and a large palm covered his mouth. With a single glance, Jack knew what was wrong.