Horrible Terrible Things

Chapter Twenty

Loki's answer was one word, 'Yes.' 

But the way in which his jaw set and he pressed his lips together, I could tell he was regretful from both the truth and the fact that he had answered me. His chin lifted defiantly, his hands folded behind his back as he distanced himself from me. 

I couldn't make sense of it. Why him, why me? I shook my head, trying to beat back the pounding pain building at the back of my head and all the horrid and hurtful thoughts my mind dredged up. I spoke before Loki could, not allowing him the chance to reject me once more. My palms held out to him as I spoke, I tried to hide the tremble of my fingers but as Loki's eyes swept downward, I knew he noticed, I knew he saw my fear, my anxiety.

'Take it back. I don't want it. I don't want -'

'Me?' Loki cut me off, his voice hoarse, eyes blue pits of cold fire as he stared at me.

My own breath hitched, my brows drawing together as I shook my head at him again, reaching up to press my fingers against my throbbing skull, 'False hope for eternity. I cannot live only to be completely unloved and unseen by you. Take it back Loki.'

There was a flicker of something in Loki's blue eyes, a vulnerability I had only glimpsed for small moments before and as quick as it appeared it was gone again. I shouldn't have been so honest with him, about wanting him and wanting to be loved by him, it made me vulnerable and weak - two things Loki as God of Mischief could use to his advantage.

He took two steps toward me and hesitated to take anymore as I sucked in a sharp breath, my hands dropped from my head by my side, itching to reach for him. Wanting him to take it back, reject me, the bond and whatever cruel fate brought us together. He had power and magic, the blood in his veins was enough surely to erase the bond.

Softly, Loki spoke, 'I can't.' 

I swallowed, my head aching, 'What do you mean you can't, of course you can. You're a God.'

Loki's gaze did not waver from mine as he leant in toward me, his voice was clear and cutting with his words,

'I will belong to you until death.'

My breath shuddered, I could not tear my gaze away from him as I felt the weight of the truth upon my chest,  'So you can't stop it, you don't deny it, the bond?'

'I deny you.' and his words were final. His jaw clenched as he lifted his chin, making it crystal clear that he had known the truth much longer than I had and come to terms with it swiftly. Without a second thought.

I knew it was because of this woman he had loved and lost.

Sylvie.

Someone who ceased to exist except in his own mind, I could never measure up to her, I couldn't be her. And it was unsettling how badly I was beginning to wonder more about how to know her and how she was so that I could begin to understand how Loki loved her. Her and only her. If I could shape myself into someone like her, someone he would want.

I had to step away from him, to put a physical distance between my own thoughts about him also. Kit was right. I was unravelling and it was dangerous. I was becoming obsessed with him, with needing his approval and really how far would I go to mould myself into what he needed?

My heart squeezed in anger for the entire situation, for allowing myself to get caught up in the fantasy of it all. I had always wanted love, a partner, and someone to share my life with but I didn't deserve this. Fuck, my need to be consumed by Loki was vicious and maddening.

I had half the mind to flee from the cell but I knew I had too many questions left unanswered and the moment I left I knew I would never get a chance to ask them again. I had him where I needed him. I had myself where I wanted to be, I actually had the nerve to stay put though my eyes flickered briefly past Loki and to the exit.