Written in my Heart: Sash

Chapter 4: The Change

That school year we were in 5th class. What a big change, each subject was taught by a different teacher. Sash said that it could be a progress, if we were lucky. But of course, we were not that lucky. Some teachers loved her and some hated her. I was by her side, but not always. I loved school more than before. That was because I was not anymore the one who can read different books without caring of what teachers say. I really heard some new stuff at these classes. But Sash had not, she knew it all. Our relationship was different and I was not happy of that, neither was she. Sash started arguing with me. I did not like arguing with her. Max helped me to handle her. It was odd but she was not fighting Max, but me. Once when Max was ill there were just two of us and our argument was here again. She shouted that she wanted me to be as before. "But I am the same", I said. "No, you are not! You definitely are not!" she shouted even more. People were looking at us. But she did not care. She never paid a lot of attention to people who were not related to her. Not like me. I felt very uncomfortable. True was that I was red as a tomato. "Sash, I have always known that I am not as smart as you are." I said very very quietly. I felt ashamed that I am not as smart as she is. But honestly: who was? "No, you are!" she screamed and stomped on the pavement of her anger. Then she suddenly stopped and hissed: "Maybe you just do not care to be my friend anymore!" And she ran away. Oh, that hurt...maybe more than when she danced with Daniel. I wanted to run after her but I was not sure what would be better to run or to stay.

Next days were for me a hell. Max was still ill. And Sash did not talk to me. I tried to explain her something but she cut me off. She left the desk we used to share and sit as far as possible from me. She was angry not only with me; she acted as if she tried to do school hara-kiri. Her rude comments attacked teachers and pupils. And some pupils made fun of teachers so the situation in our class was very tense on each lesson. But in our country there was no way you could leave school before you were 15. So teachers are probably trained to stand a lot of from kids. She was sent to the Director's office during the third lesson. She made our old teacher of Geography to cry. I felt very ashamed of her, but she did not give me one quick glance. Probably she was a number one topic in the Teachers. Our last lesson was a history class. Our teacher, Mr. Matrak, was talking about Neanderthals. Where the remains of them were founded and what we could conclude about the life of Neanderthals from those remains and about the period when they lived. I remembered that I and Sash were reading few months ago a book called: The Mammoth Hunters, written by Pavel Dvorak. I heard lots of things that I had already known but it was still very interesting. But Sash disturbed the teacher talking all the time. Maybe she thought she was funny, but I thought that she simply did not care. But Mr. Matrak stayed relaxed all the time. He made her space so she could share with us her deep knowledge, as he remarked. I would be very ashamed if he had told it to me. But Sash was not. She was arrogant and angry. At the end of class the teacher surprisingly thanked her for her contribution to the topic and gave her the best grade for activity on lesson. He said he would like to talk to her a bit about her sources. She looked confused and even angrier. But I saw that she stayed in the classroom.

When I ate my lunch I saw Mr. Matrak with Sash; they had lunch together and talked. I waited for her in front of the school. I sat on the grass and read a book. I know she did not talk to me. But I did not want her to go home just by herself. Max was still ill. And I hoped we could talk a bit and become friends again. She came almost two hours later. When she spotted me, she seemed to be very surprised and I think she blushed. "You're waiting for me..?"She asked quietly. I nodded. She ducked her head and said: "Let's go home then." It was very silent way. I walked with her to their house. We stopped in silence. She did not move for a moment, watching tips of her shoes. I remember they were red with white bows. "Please, hold on, I'll be back in just two minutes." OK. She looked different, and I was wondering what had happened. Was she going to be like yesterday? She seemed different to me. She came and handed me chocolate. We slowly walked directly to my place. It was a cream milky chocolate bar with whole nuts which was my favourite and she knew it. I thanked her, but she stopped and interrupted me. "I am very sorry", she said. "I was rude to you, I hurt you. I feel very sorry. You are my friend, my best friend and I acted terrible... Can you forgive me? Please..."She was almost crying. I took her hand, but she moved forward to me so I hugged her. It was sweet. Better than any chocolate on the world. I had her in my arms, she was shivering a little. So I hugged her more tightly. "I am not angry with you. You do not have to be ashamed. The true is that my IQ is about 132, nothing like yours. I was at the psychological counselling centre last May and I passed tests. But I have not told you because I did not like the result. I am so sorry. I hoped for better score but I cannot change it. You know I can't. Please, Sash....forgive me.... I have not told you because I was scared that you could consider I am not worthy of your friendship."I made a deep breath and I added very quietly: "And I cannot lose my best friend." She moved her head up and looked into my eyes. I could see tears in her eyes but her glance was strong and reassuring. "You are not gonna lose me. Neither do I..."She looked like to add something. But she did not but pushed me apart. "We will talk later." She said and ran back home. I went home, still feeling her burning eyes and (smelling) the apple shampoo. I really did not care that she was almost taller than me. Life looked again better.

My parents took me to the psychological counselling centre because I bothered them with this too much. And when I saw the result I was very unhappy. It brought me fear and anger and self pity... The difference between us was like between Sun and Mercury. She was all light and energy and her gravity attracted me very strongly. But who was I in her life? Who could I really be? Oh stupid test, stupid decision and stupid, stupid me!

I suffered from nightmares that Max and Sash do not care about me anymore. And Max told me in these dreams that I had to leave the town with all my stupidity and go to hell. And never come back and never look at his sister! I cried and woke up my parents. My Mom used to come to my room and asked me about my nightmares. But I said that I did not remember them. And it was not true, sorry, Mom.

Few days after tests I used to observe Sash and Max with extra attention. What would happen if they find me stupid? But they were as usual and I forgot to care. And as usual meant that Sash was a brain of our gang and Max was all muscles and I...I was just there, trying to absorb everything of joy of their presence.

Following days she was different at school too. She did not provoke teachers, did not disturb with inappropriate remarks. She read her books silently and with one eye she all the time paid attention to everything what we did on lessons. And when teachers asked her any questions she answered without hesitation and irony. But they rarely asked her something.

Our way home was quiet. We were both thinking. I had a lot of question but Sash asked me to be patient with her. That she would tell me soon. But our quietness did not bother me, it was nice and comfy. I liked it. To be quiet with somebody sepcial could be as nice as to chat with him, I mean her. I definitely mean her.