Written in my Heart: Sash

Chapter 6: Break Point

It was nice and unexpectedly warm October. I was in the final class of High School. Our class had been preparing to Prom. I already had a new dark grey suit in my wardrobe with a snowy white shirt. What I still had not was a tie. I wanted it to suit to my partners dress. I still had not done anything to have a partner. There was just one option for me. But...

It was Thursday when I accidently overheard from talking guys in the changing room after our PE that Roman had asked Sash to Prom. I tried to hear more but they had already left. I was after shower but I felt sweat was draining down my back. What am I going to do if she agreed? No, she could not. No, no, no... I felt panic is holding my heart in its hand and pressing it. "What's up with you?!", Max was shouting. "Half-dead snail would be faster dressed. Harry up! Somebody can have plans..." He smiled. I had to ask him about his plans, but I was too lost in my thoughts that I did not care. I tried to be faster. I had a polo-shirt with three buttons but my hands were trembling and I was not able to button it up.

Max was waiting for me outside the changing room and thanks to my slowness there were also Sash and Maria. Maria was our classmate. She and Sash became friends last year and she spent with us lot of time. She was smart, nice girl, bit overweight with thick glasses and she had obvious crash on Max. But there was just pure friendship between them and he seemed to handle her interest without any issues. Max was the one of us who already dated.

"Our ill snail is coming." Max remarked, when I appeared. "Sweet Max, as ever." Maria smiled on him. "Definitely patient," Sash added with a grin. "Bite me, girls! It's not me who is late." Max liked teasing. "Sorry bro." I told him. We went for lunch. The food in our school canteen was almost inedible, but the ambiance was great. Many students, lots of fun, buzzing and laughing. Today was brown soup, overcooked potatoes with fat meat in orange sauce and great looking red apple. We ate or more truly mixed our food while talking. "Bike?" Sash asked us. "I'm in." I agreed. "I have private plans." Max said with wide smile. "What kind of plans", I asked. "Or is it a secret?" "I guess it is date." Sash said, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, definitely it is. I hope it is going to be beginning of something serious." "Oh, really?" Maria asked. She seemed uneasy. And I felt the same, because of talks from changing rooms. "Who is this girl?" asked his sister. "Do we know her?" "Yeah, that's why I am not gonna tell you." He grinned. "Are you going with us Maria?" Sash asked and I wanted her to refuse. I stopped breathing. She eyed me and refused. I felt relieved. Not that I planned to ask Sash if she is going to Prom with Roman. But I hoped, she might tell me. Girls asked Max about the secret girl. But I did not listen any more. My thoughts were already on bike, next to girl I was in love. In my thoughts she was in love with me and we shared this sweet feeling. After lunch and still hungry we went home. I probably looked weird, because next to my house Sash said to me out loud: "Earth to Andy." I woke up from my daydreaming. "Go! I will wait here for you." "What?" I was really far. I had no clue what was she talking about. And I missed the moment when Maria left us too. "Wanna go to bike with me?" she asked. "Yeah," I said still not sure what was she trying to tell me. "Ok, for daydreamers again: It is October, isn't it? So it's getting early darker and weather is getting colder. So I suggested we can go immediately, while it is still warm and nice." Oh, I got it. "Ok, I'm getting it." I said with the shy smile. "You can wait upstairs, it s more comfy." She turned to Max with questioning look. "I go home, I have this important date." He said, waved bye and went home. We went upstairs next to each other. I eyed her from above. It was not very long that I was at last taller than she. I did not grow up till my fifteen. Now I was almost seventeen and slightly taller than 180 cm. Max was about 193 cm and Sash was 175 cm. "What?" she asked with smile when she caught me staring. "Nothing." Oh, boy I was red. "Step on it!" Sash was giggling. It had to be impossible but my face was probably purple and my ears were burning. I opened door without looking at her at making her way to our hall. She entered, slipped off her shoes and barefoot went to my room. She moved my blanket on my undone bed and made herself comfortable there. She stretched her hand under my bed and pulled out a book, I was currently reading. She smiled at me and randomly opened it. "You never surprise me." She said. The book was The Very Early Universe. And I already told her about it. I was a bit irritated by her remark. It was probably bad sign that I am not able to surprise her. I was boring, plane, nobody...but Roman... He was interesting, handsome, and funny and every girl from our school loved him. "What would you like to find, the Playboy or Kama sutra?" I asked probably with more exasperated voice than I intended. "Hey, calm down. No offence. OK?" Her voice was husky and her eyes were full of something I could not read. I was to say something but I took my cycling dress and sweatpants and went to the bathroom to change. When I entered the room, I saw her standing in front of the bit abstract painting of a girl. It was poster that I done this summer and she really liked it. What she did not know was that this girl was her. There were everything I loved the most, night sky with many stars, trees almost black in the dark and the silhouette of the girl near the astronomy telescope. "I'm ready." I said. She turned and faced me with this unreadable expression. We silently walked to her place. She opened the door and handed me her keys without the word. I took it and went to their garage to take her bike. I checked the pressure in her front wheel. Last week I and Max patched it. She came out with two bottles of water. I forgot to take my but she handed me one. She had also two chocolate bars. She put them to her seat bag with the keys I gave her back. She sat on the bike and ran out of their yard. I followed her. We did not talk and she went quite fast. I usually like to follow her and watch her hair moving in the wind and watch her legs to push to pedals. But today I was not enjoying this view. I thought about not going to prom if Sash will be there with Roman. I already hated him. We turned to the forest path and in few minutes of ride Sash stopped on the little meadow surrounded by trees, my secret favourite place. And it was the place of my poster. I thought if she directed us here on purpose. She put her bike against the tree and I did the same. She lay down and breathed heavily. I took our water bottles and sit next to her. I watched her, she was heartbreakingly beautiful. I drank of water and lay down next to her still watching her. She was very very near, and I had to remind myself that she did not like me. But all I wanted to do was to touch her, hug her, kiss her. Life was a mess. She watched me too. "What's up with you?" She asked in whisper. There was a storm inside me. I hide my eyes with the hand. She took my hand in hers and removed my hand of my eyes. "Hey! You know you can tell me anything." If I was thinking that moment I would not told what I did. "I know I'm boring, plane, predictable. There was nothing interesting about me. I am not funny and handsome. Not like Roman." I said and the moment I spit it out of my mouth I wanted to get it back. Oh, I was stupid, desperate and made a fool of myself. She shifted on her side and her face was just few centimetres from my. "So,...you think I have to spend my free time rather with Roman instead of you...?" She whispered even lower than before. I wanted to shout: NO, but I said nothing. She shifted on her back and watched the sky. I could not read her expression. I thought about her words. Her point was that she was with me, not with Roman or somebody else. She was smart, confident and true. Yeah, there was a message for me in it. But I could not to think properly. She turned her face to me and blushed but her smile was warm. "Oh, Andy, don't be a coward. I don't want to wait anymore." I felt her hand touching mine so I took her hand and our fingers intertwined. "I love you." I said in voice that probably was not mine. I was surprised that it was that easy to say that. And now there was no strength that could stop me. "I have loved and admired you from the very first day I have met you in the second grade of school. You was the reason that my life has changed and out of the blue I was happy. Just because I have met you and I was sure, that I'll meet you, and I'll talk with you, to listen to you, to run with you, to sit next to you next day. You are the wisest, kindest and most beautiful person I know. And I am aware I'm not good enough for you, not enough smart and funny and everything. But I cannot stop loving you. And true is that I'm jealous... desperate. Please come with me to prom. It breaks my heart to see you with somebody else." I breathed heavily as if I have just finished marathon. She giggled. "Are you not good enough for me? You silly...you are just perfect for me, from the very first day." I moved my face closer to her giggling one and she stopped it. Our gazes were locked and I broke it just for a quick glance to her lips. They were parted and dry and she licked them with her tongue. And then our lips met and this kiss was like star eruption. No it was more it was like if your dream becomes true. When we broke the kiss we were both breathless and dizzy. Sash stood up so I followed her. She was too fast and almost felt down, but I caught her in my arms. We stayed face to face, my arms wrapped around her waist, Sash hands around my neck. This was the best moment of my life. I hugged her tighter. "I love you. I love you. I love you." I whispered into her ear. She rested her forehead to my cheek and said the words that brought peace and made sense of all the waiting, pain of the jealousy, desires, love...These amazing words said in her hoarse and almost unhearable voice changed me from depressive to the happiest guy in universe. She said: "I love you, Andy. I have always loved you and I always will." We stayed hugged for long time. And if it was my will we would stay this way for ever. It was like we tried to stop the time, only to feel deeper our connection, love, peace. But it was October and weather was not that friendly to our wish. I did not feel the cold myself, but I felt Sash hands on my bare neck were getting cold, almost trembling. I hugged her tighter for a moment and let her go. But when I felt her leaving me, I just could not bear it. "I would never be able to be without you after that, without holding you in my arms, without feeling your breath on my face, without touching your soft skin constantly..." She closed my mouth with her fingers and smiled. "Never forget that I'm not really romantic type." She stepped on her toes to be the same high as me and gave me a quick pack on the lips. "But I am not leaving." And then we kissed. How can be just easy thing like kiss that strong? It was like mind blowing, breath taking, time stopping, life serious thing, and that was all in one. We stopped just to take a breath and started again and again. Then she pushed me away. "Maybe I 'm not romantic but your words don't let me cool." She laughed and took her bike, avoiding my hands. "It's time to go home!" "Sash, not yet...please..." I tried to stop her holding handlebar of her bike. "Andy, don't be a baby. I'm cold." She gave me quick kiss on the jaw, just the place on my face where she could easily touch me with her lips. I let her go. But I already imagined us in their garage when I would help her with bike. I promised myself that I would hug her and kiss her the moment we enter the door. It was quite dark in the forest, because it was almost six evening. Sunset was going to be in few minutes. We had to hurry up. We both turned on our dynamos. The road was calm. Sash was first, I followed her. She turned on me every now and then. We started climb up the hill, our town was less than one kilometre far. The road was curling around the hill. There was a car somewhere behind us. I had not heard it but its lights broke our way few times. It was also climbing up the hill. It overtook me and in a moment I saw his rear lights only. I thought it rode to fast. I remember that I have not seen Sash, because of next curve. But I heard big noise of crash. I immediately knew what was happened. "No!!!" I cried of all my strength, of all my heart. "Nooooooooo!!!" It was not Sash, it was not her I repeatedly told in my mind. IT COULD NOT BE HER!