To the Boy in the Black Hoodie

Chapter 3

25th January, 2022
Tuesday

Dear you-know-who,

Do you remember what's today's date? This day, do you remember what had happened exactly 3 months ago? On this very day, the day we promised each other to be together through thick and thin no matter what life presented us with....... But it was just another empty and broken promise huh (empty laugh)........... Did all of that mean nothing to you? Do you remember all the things you said to me on this very day? I had all these questions drawing closer to my conscience, trying to voice it out. I willed to keep quiet. That's all I could really do anyway.

Seeing you today just once was all I wanted. But mysteriously you weren't at THE SPOT, where you would usually stand with your friends. While looking for you, I saw my friends, the very people whom I considered my family. They very ones I had ignored on Saturday cuz it was as if they blurred into the background and all that my eyes wanted to see was you. Guilty consumed me as I looked at their hopeful faces. Jean tackled me into a hug without saying anything. I hugged her back, my emotionless face crumbling as tears welled up in my eyes. Lauren was next. I felt at peace knowing that even though my friends had suffered through hell, had been dragged in this mess, yet they still didn't let go of me. But a voice whispered until when? My lips quivered at the thought. They asked me to atleast talk to them instead of ignoring. I just nodded my head, unable to get the words out.  

We all made way to the spot, our spot that where we would usually meet. I was just getting accustomed to a new change. It reminded me of the promise I had made to mum that day. Another round of guilt crashed. I was so busy sorting what I felt that I didn't realize when you had come. I looked into your eyes and I felt everything again, all over again.

But then I got scared as I was greeted with another flashback. This one was of a dream I had a few weeks ago. It scared me to the bond. It was a nightmare..... One where you turned into a monster that you swore you never would. A monster that took away the thing most important to me – my pride. I took a step back from everyone. I wanted to go away, away from you, from these memories that have started coming to life once again. I had faced myself to not even think of our memories, to not even say your name. But it was changing, the cage of memories was cracked, broken in fact. It greeted me with all the painful memories torturing me to death, only to keep me alive in the end. I ran away from you again. Even before you could say hi, I was gone in a flash, not giving you a chance to even call my name. My name........ I longed to hear it from your mouth. How easily it would always roll from your mouth – "Kia. My Kia". You would always say that, holding me close to you.

It's funny you know how I hated physical contact yet yearned for yours. Yearned to hold your hand, entwine our fingers, and hug you once more, just once. And you know what's more funny? You never knew any of this. To you, I was just a normal girl with a normal life. But I was fucked up, I still am. You never knew the extent of my feelings for you. I lacked in expressing myself a lot. And although it had caused us to fight, but eventually you forgave me. I thought you understood what I felt, understood those feelings, but little did I knew it was you giving me a last chance, that it was you trying to give me a chance one last time.

I think that was the day when I really lost you. The day you unknowingly stopped trying to work things out. That was you loving me one last time before you stopped putting efforts. That day I thought I was ready to finally let you in, but you declined cuz you knew that you were done. And maybe a part of me did too, but didn't acknowledge it. You played along, trying your best to put in the efforts when you were so done with everything. I saw your struggle but ignored. I wanted to preserve the bubble we were in at that time. I didn't want to let that bubble burst... I think I gave up a little on you too that day. We both tried to mend things, pathetically piece things together, cuz you were precious to me. You had entered my life when I had lost any hope of finding 'the one'; or trusting anyone.