Beauty In The Struggle

We?

The next morning Diamond woke in her home passed out on the couch. She kept an eye on the news specifically at Club Onyx waiting for the death of Casey to hit the streams but it hadn't yet. She picked up her phone waiting for a text or a call that she knew would never come.

It seemed like whenever they came together something was always there to tear them apart again.

The only way she could describe it was doing a drug for so long and getting used to the way it made her feel, only to suddenly have to stop using that drug and experience the symptoms of withdrawal and learn to live life without it. Then you get a little taste of it again and your hooked. Lamar was that drug and she had to admit after being at his house again and sleeping with him and waking up with him and Maliyah again she felt like she was home once more. It hurt more this time to know she could never go back.

Her head began spinning and she ran to the bathroom and threw up. Too much excitement.

When she looked around her house she could still see all the bullet holes in the walls and torn up furniture. She got down on her hands and knees and began to scrub her mothers blood off the floor behind the couch.

She scrubbed and scrubbed but it wouldn't come out of the floor. Then Diamond grew frustrated and threw the sponge at the wall and began crying. What did she do to deserve this?

She finally settled and pushed the couch back so that it covered the blood on the floor and she stripped herself to go take a shower.

She used her favorite lavender soap and began to scrub her body.

Casey. You'll never be able to get me off you...

His words echoed in the back of her mind. She scrubbed herself hard to the point where her body would turn red but he was right.. she still felt dirty. After what felt like a two hour long shower she logged into Instagram on her new phone and began to scroll. Nothing from Lamar and Maliyah... they must be laying low after yesterday night.

Diamond wanted to take a nap but every time she closed her eyes she seen Lamar pointing his gun at her. Would he really shoot her? She knew sleeping with Casey was wrong but she didn't think her and Lamar would ever get back together and after being at his house she just didn't wanna ruin what they were trying to build again. Then in the parking lot almost hitting her with his car. Maybe it was better to let him cool off and he would come to her when he wanted to talk. For now ... maybe it was better that she was alone.

In the kitchen she started to make herself something to eat, she hadn't had anything since yesterday. Her and Lamar and Maliyah had a big dinner while they went over the plan one more time just in case it would be their last meal all together.

Two bites into her sandwich she was running back to the bathroom. It wasn't like her to not be able to keep food down but stress will do that to you.

The next couple of weeks went by fast.

Diamond only left the house to go to the doctor and that was it. She hid away from the world in her own bubble. She didn't talk to anyone, she didn't call anyone. She thought after a few days Lamar would want to talk but that never happened. She kept an eye on his page but nothing. Maliyah would post random stuff she was doing drawing or what she was listening to.

It didn't take long for the depression to set in. Being alone for that long and replaying all the traumatic events that happened this year would make her eventually go crazy. She had a lot of thoughts about just ending it all... who would miss her?

Whenever she would look in the mirror her eyes were red and puffy from crying. Her hair was a mess and she had never weighed less than she had now except being bloated in her stomach. She couldn't take this anymore...

She filled her bathtub with warm water and got in with all her clothes. Tears fell from her cheeks and into the water. She closed her eyes and put her head underneath. While she was under the water millions of conversations played in her head at once.

Charity. He's been coming with me to ultrasounds, he never said he didn't want this baby...

Maliyah. He killed my sister!

Casey. You'll never get me off you, you're dirty

Lamar. I'm not leaving here without you ...

Gina. It just helps you forget... it makes it easier ..

Dad. I already have a precious Diamond..

She sat up fast out of the water gasping for air. She reached over and grabbed a razor blade while sobbing. She took the blade out and just as she was about to continue something caught her attention.

An unopened box of tampons...

She put the blade down and thought back to the last couple of days. She's been throwing up, not able to keep food down, bloated, and .... She's late...

Diamond. Fuck

She couldn't gather the strength to want to leave her house she had too much anxiety about who she might run into. Instead she Doordashed a pregnancy test to her house.

Now she sat on the floor in the bathroom in a robe and she starred at the test on the counter. She did want a baby but even these circumstances weren't ideal and not to mention her and Lamar aren't on speaking terms anymore would she have to raise the baby herself?
Or
Was she thinking too far ahead... just take the test first and go from there.

She grabbed the box for a second and then threw it back on the ground.. no... a negative pregnancy test would send her over the edge... she couldn't handle anymore bad news or rejection and she was hoping it would actually be positive...

After an hour of deliberation she decided to take the test. Five minutes felt like six years but when she picked up the test she let out a loud sigh...

Positive...