Everything is Better Now

Chapter 12

"I can hear you thinking dear." she spoke into the cool night are of her bedroom. She'd fallen asleep with an arm wrapped around my waist, holding me tightly. It was all I wanted in the moment, if I'm honest. Feeling the natural heat from her body, protecting me at night, keeping me warm. It reminded me of life before Johnny. Life before sports and competitions. It reminded me of weekday movie nights with Mom, Dad and Johnny in the living room. It reminded me of love. "What are you thinking about?"

But sadly, she's no longer holding me. She'd rolled over at some point and perhaps a combination of anxious thoughts and the cold contributed to the state I currently reside.

"Answer the question Carter."

I take a deep breath before I speak. Hoping not to ruin the one good thing I've had in a while.

"Who are you?" I whisper, turning to face her. The light from the streetlight outside framed her face.

"What do you mean dear?"

"You said at the diner this morning that you own the website, but Matthew is your boss?"

"Hmm." She halfway grunts. "Matthew likes to feel powerful, but I own the website, yes." Her eyes were still closed as if that were not major news.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You never asked." I sat up.

"Why would I have to ask something like that? I've shared so much with you, but -"

"Do not go there, Carter. I do not have much to share is all."

"No, that's not it. I just -" I pause. "You don't trust me and I want you to trust me. I want you to need me like I need you I think, but you don't. You might never and that kind of hurts." she sits up as well. Her hand meets the top of my back

"Trust is not the problem dear, it is simply time. What we have had is lovely and I expect it to last quite a long time, but I do not want to rush anything. I want you to be able to feel all of your emotions without having to rely on me. You deserve that. I do not want to consume you."

"What if that's what I want though. What if I want you to consume me? What if I want you to be just as sickeningly obsessed as me. Just as long as I am not alone in it."

"So you are afraid of being alone?" She asks.

"No, I've been alone for what feels like forever. I think I'm afraid to be alone in my feelings."

"Oh." This might be the first time I've heard her at a loss for words.

"Does that surprise you?"

"Yes, actually. Though you are often indecisive you are quite confident in your own way. You are very sure of the way you present yourself. Even in the short time, we have been in a relationship, you have been confident. I would not have guessed that you felt that way."

"Maybe I'm not supposed to feel like this then?"

"Why would you say that?" This is starting to feel like therapy.

"You said it. I mean we've only been together for a short while. That doesn't mean I have a right to know everything about you. You shouldn't have to share everything about yourself with me."

"Why do you think that?"

"You deserve privacy and stuff. I don't know." She did. She deserved everything.

"I do not have anything I wish to keep private from you so ask away dear." She always speaks like she knows how to feel all of the feelings.

"Really? You won't be upset?"