smokey eyes and clear skies

pt.3 jamie tw:abuse

Ben came back from his trip a few days ago, and I've clung to his side like a koala. He was probably annoyed with me by now to be honest. The plan was for me to come out to my parents the day after Ben got back but, i keep pushing it back. Today though, I'm actually leaving the letter taped to the front door; mom and dad always get home from work before I get home. I made sure to try to word it as gently as I could. I signed it with the more formal version of my name, just in case.

Dear mom and dad,

I'm writing this to tell you something I've been too nervous and scared to tell you in person. I hope you can understand why I was nervous. I'm trans and I've been using he/him pronouns for almost a year now. On top of that, I also have a boyfriend who you've met before, it's Ben. Ben is my boyfriend. I've been worrying about why I always felt different from everyone else and now I've finally figured out why. I hope you can accept me and I can still be your kid son.

-James

When Ben's car pulls up, I tape the note to the door before running to his car. I get in and the nerves are almost too much to handle.

"You okay jam?" Ben asks, looking over, concerned. "Yeah I just– I taped the note to the front door, I'm finally doing it." I half-smile at him. He gives me a sweet smile and shifts gears before holding my hand and driving towards the school.

I feel nauseous and my ears are ringing off and on for the entire school day. I miss most of the bells, i'm late to almost all of my classes, and I can't focus on anything but the letter. My shoulders hurt, my back hurts, my head hurts, my knees hurt, basically every joint or minor inconvenience pain you can think of. When the school day ends, my bag feels impossibly heavy as i drag myself out to bens car. He asks if i'm okay, i nod and smile, then stay silent for the rest of the car ride.

"Hey, jamie. If they do anything to make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, call me, i'll be here as fast as i can, i promise." ben says when he drops me off. "I will, i have that go bag too, remember? I'll be okay." i say, more to myself than to ben. When he drives off i walk up the rain slick driveway and dump my bag in the kitchen as always. It's eerily silent except for the rain outside.

"Jamie, your mother and i want to talk to you." dad says seriously. "Oh- okay." i say, nervously shuffling into the dinning room behind him. My mother is sitting at the dinning room table, it looks like she's been crying. I sit down next to her and turn my chair towards her.

"We got your little note." dad says, slamming my letter down on the table in front of me. I flinch and look away. "Jacob, darling, please. She's just confused." my mom mutters with a shaking voice. My heart sinks down to the floor. "Bullshit sarah! She thinks she knows everything and i will not let my daughter–" my dad is almost shouting now. 

"Jacob i said thats enough, it's not her fault! She doesn't understand!" my mom snaps at him. "I do understand, i know what i am." i whisper with a shaking voice. "This what i mean! You know what, no, you talk to her, i can't do this." dad says, storming away and slamming his bedroom door.

"Honey," mom says, grabbing both of my hands gently. "You know your father and i love you." she starts. "Mom he's yelling and slamming things, thats not something you do out of love." i say. She holds my hands tighter and looks me in the eyes. 

"Jamie, sweetie, i don't want you to go to hell, if you do this you'll go to hell, there's no way around that." she says seriously. I can see the tears start to form in her eyes again. "Mom, thats not what-" i start to say.

"Watch how you talk to your mother, she's just trying to do what's best for you." my dad says, standing behind me with a pamphlet. "Isn't it better for me to just be happy? I ask, feeling tears start to sting at my eyes. "We're sending you to a special camp, there are people there who can help you." my mom says. "What?" i say, if my heart was already on the floor, my stomach joins it in sinking as far as it can.