smokey eyes and clear skies

pt.1 Jamie

"You should have a go-bag ready, just in case," I say, taking a sip of coffee. "Yeah maybe. Did you just burn yourself?'' Ben says, laughing slightly. "I've been betrayed by my vanilla caramel cap," I say seriously, making a pouty face as a joke. Ben laughs and I smile. 

"I'm just a little scared. I mean I have a week to finish planning and actually come out to them before our trip. What if they don't accept me?'' Ben half whispers like it's some huge secret. It's not like we just pulled almost every book we could about coming out. 

His soft brown curls fall sadly in front of his face, he doesn't even bother to push them away. "That's what the backup plan is for. If it goes wrong my grandma's house is like 2 blocks away from your house; we've been there before, for easter remember?" I say, putting my hand on his, trying my best to comfort him.

"You're right, it'll be okay, right?" he looks up, pushing his hair out of his face, seemingly searching for affirmation in my eyes. "Right." I smile at him. "Wait, I just had a thought..." Ben says. "That's rare." I joke. Ben laughs and rolls his eyes before grabbing my hand. 

"C'mon I'm serious! If we both come out on the same day at the same time... what if they both go wrong? What if we both have to run and have nowhere to run to? We should probably change the date for one of them, I mean I can–" Ben starts talking faster as his words go on.

"I'll push mine back, I'll wait until you get back from your trip, it's only a week right?" I interrupt, trying to help before he spirals. "Are you sure? I mean I know this is really important to you and I don't want–" ben's spiraling. "Ben, love, it's okay. It just means I have more time to plan, more time to figure out how to explain things, more time to be over-prepared; I promise it's okay," I speak as gently as I can.

"You're right, yeah, it'll be okay," he says, taking a few deep breaths. He squeezes my hand slightly and I smile at him. "I mean, trying to explain gay and trans to two people who went to catholic school probably isn't the easiest, right?" he say, joking a little bit. 

A barista with pink, overgrown bob-length hair comes over to hand us our sandwiches. "Here is your turkey club, and here is your BLT with extra b, enjoy you two!" she smiles in a customer service kinda way and walks away."Wait, I got your sandwich, let's switch." Ben says, before swapping our plates to their rightful owners.

I notice something written on a napkin. "I overheard what you two were talking about, good luck! Lgbt+ youth center: 2336 clancy dr." I smile at the napkin and show ben. "That's a good thing to keep in mind, I didn't know we had one of those here," he says, shrugging before tearing into his sandwich. 

Somehow, ben being ben, gets sauce all around his mouth, even a bit on his nose too. I laugh and he looks up at me. "What? Is it on my face?" he asks. "It's all over your face," I laugh. Ben picks up a clean napkin and wipes his face as we both laugh.

"What about you? I mean you'll probably have to plan a little extra because of... you know." Ben says, trying not to out Ben to the entire book store (as if they'd care, everyone in this store either has fake glasses, dyed hair, or both). It hits me that I can't just come out as gay, I have to come out as trans before I can come out as gay. It's okay, I have an extra week to plan more anyway. We've been here for an hour and we've gotten together most of the details for Ben coming out.

"If I have a go-bag, shouldn't you have one too?" Ben asks. "Yeah probably," I say, absent-mindedly. "What even is a go-bag?" he asks. "It's like an overnight bag, but it stays packed all the time so you can grab it if you have to leave quickly. Usually, it's like 2 days' worth of clothes, a toothbrush, deodorant, like $20," I say, planning out how to re-pack my go bag when I get home. "Right. So, when you come out, do you want me to be there with you? I don't know if that would help or make things worse though." Ben says, in a concerned voice.

"I think this is something I need to do on my own, you know? I do still want your help with ideas on how to tell them; I mean I could just tell them point-blank, but I feel like they would think I'm joking, you know?" I stare down at the table in front of me. I stare into my coffee, trying to ignore the half-eaten sandwich still in its wrapper, and I hate to admit that I'm terrified. "Ben, what if they hate me?" I ask, searching his brown doe eyes for the safety I'm so used to offer.

"That's what the backup plan is for, although I doubt you'll have to use it," Ben says, grabbing my hand again. "What if they kick me out? Or try to–" I cut myself off before I can finish that thought. "It'll be okay I promise. But, if things do go that poorly, you can always come to my house, or call me and I'll come to pick you up, no questions asked." Ben squeezes my hand and gives me a soft smile. "Right, you're right, it'll be fine," I whisper to myself.

"Do you want to go back to the car? I can return the books if you want to get the trash," he asks. "Yeah sure, I have notes on most of them anyway," I say, standing up and collecting the trash from our table. I dump the trash and put the tray in its spot and can hear a sigh of relief from behind the counter. I hear a "thank you!" from a few tables away and see the same pink-haired girl as before picking up someone else's trash from an abandoned table. I smile and nod before following Ben to his car.

"You get the aux," he says, as he turns on the car. "Can I play motionless in white?" I ask. "When is Chris Motionless ever a no? Of course, you can!'' Ben jokes. With that, we pull out of the parking lot and blast another life by motionless in white as we drive down streets we've never been on. 

I've lived in this town for years but it wasn't until I met Ben that I started exploring and knowing my way around town. Before I only ever went to the bookstore, the library, school, and sometimes village games, a board game shop downtown, although mom hated when I went to village games alone. We spent an hour just screaming lyrics and driving around town.

"Jamie, what time do you have to be home again?" Ben asks. "Like 9 I think. We should still have 3 hours," I say. We went to the bookstore as soon as school ended, we sat there and just talked for hours. "Want to go to the ditch?" he asks with a smile on his face.

A year ago, when Ben first moved here, I spent almost every day sitting in a drainage ditch that had a good view of the lake. I couldn't sit in the grass, so I sat on the concrete flood drain. It was huge and surprisingly clean for what it was. It's a nice little spot. 

Ben once found me there at midnight because I had gotten into an argument with my mom after I asked to go to a public school. I went to a private catholic school until sophomore year, which isn't ideal for a gay trans man with low self-esteem. It was the first time he ever talked to me, he helped me explain to my mom why I wanted to go to public school without outing me to my parents. A few months later we started dating. That was when we unofficially named it the ditch.

We get out of the car and Ben runs to the concrete and jumps down into the ditch, I'm not far behind him. He sits down and pats the ground next to him. I jump down, almost fall over, and sit next to Ben on the ground. "Do you remember when we first met? I was sitting down here sobbing my eyes out in my old school uniform, and you almost crashed your bike?" I say, snuggling into his arm. "And then you made me go with you to buy real school clothes because you only had like 4 shirts? Yeah, I remember that." he laughs.

"Do you think I'll still be allowed to spend the night when you tell them? 'Cause I don't know if I can give those up" I joke. "They've never been like that with rhea, so I think it'll be fine, plus I'd sneak you over anyway," Ben says, planting a kiss on the top of my head. 

"I really hope your family is cool about it, I like spending time at your house, you have a cute dog," I say. "Oooh I see how it is, you just used me to get to my dog!" Ben says, giggling at his own joke. "Yup, totally, just there to hang out with your dog and your sister. Sorry," I joke. We both sit and laugh at stupid jokes for another hour.

"It's already 8:30, you need to get home soon," Ben says, checking his phone. "Oh god, how'd it get so late so fast?" I say, standing up as quickly as I can. We run to the car and Ben hands me my phone. I didn't even realize I had dropped it. "Oh, thanks," I say, out of breath. Ben drives me home and I run in the front door 3 minutes before 9. "With three minutes to spare! Nice." Ash says as I walk into the kitchen and put down my backpack. "Thanks"