Between the Stacks

Chapter 20

A light rain had started by the time I made it to the cemetery. Thankfully I had checked the weather before heading out, so I was well-equipped with an umbrella and two rain jackets; one that I was wearing, and one that was slung over my arm.

As I walked up the main pathway I couldn't help but feel guilty. How had things changed so much since I'd last been here? More rows of tombstones had appeared at this southern edge, near a small outcropping of trees, and it looked like the chapel had undergone some sort of renovation. It shouldn't have taken me so long to come back.

Now that I thought of it, I did the math. The last time I'd visited was before I left for Vancouver.

Six years ago.

"I'm sorry, Alex," I said as I walked up a small incline. It's not that I never thought of him - quite the opposite, actually. I just preferred to think of Alex how he was when he was alive. Rambunctious, loud, happy; he was very much alive in my memories. It was just hard to keep that vision of him alive when faced with a small granite tombstone.

It wasn't hard to find. Back when the accident happened, this part of the cemetery wasn't developed yet; it was just an empty tract of land near the forest. Mom and Dad argued that Alex loved stomping around nature, and he would feel better if his final resting place was near trees. The owners of the funeral home made an exception, and so one plot was developed, right underneath the overhang of a maple tree.

I took my spare rain jacket, spread it on the ground, and sat down in front of Alex's tombstone.

Mom or Dad had been here recently; the flowers were fresh. The small pot had fallen over, so I set it back upright.

"Hi," I said, and I started to cry.

None of this was fair, or right, or okay. All my problems seemed insignificant faced with the fact that my brother never got to grow up. I felt guilty for feeling so upset about my job. In the grand scheme it didn't matter.

I didn't know if it was healthy or not to speak to Alex as if he were there. Mom did it all the time. I figured it was worth a shot. "I'm sorry that it's been a while," I said. "I haven't forgotten about you."

Alex's tombstone was engraved with his name, the day he was born and died, and a short quotation from The Rainbow Connection. The song sung by Kermit the frog. I reached out to touch the stone; it was cold against my fingertips.

"I still have your Kermit," I said. "He had a bit of an adventure. Kidnapped, actually. Don't worry, he's back safe and sound." He was sitting on my bookshelf, far away from the nefarious clutches of Wesley.

"I hope you're doing okay in heaven," I said, my voice cracking on the last word. "I hope there's lots of pretzels, and skateboarding, and Pokémon."

The rain continued to drizzle. I shifted the umbrella to my other arm.

"Work is fine. Well, not really. But I don't think it matters very much."

A loud, angry squawk erupted on the nearby tree: a crow sat on one of the branches. It looked at me for a moment for flying off.

"Was that a sign?" I asked, chuckling. "Okay, I lied. Work hasn't been great. I might get fired, and if that happens, I feel like all my work will have been lost. And I messed up at work, and now someone who I care about is mad at me - and for a good reason, too."

I thought about Ms. Linaberry and her colorful hair. I wondered if she would ever come back to the library.

"Plus, I feel bad that I haven't been here in a while." I eyed the other tombstones. Most had flowers or candle holders or other trinkets. My heart leapt to my throat seeing some of the more personal items nearby: a baseball cap, plastic necklaces, a pair of shoes. I would have left Kermit here, but I didn't want him to be damaged by the weather.