to the end

i

you're just a stupid diary thing, nothing more. somehow i still have this stupid attachment to you, a routine i can't quite break yet. eventually i'll move on and we can all grow from there, but maybe not now.

i'm writing this as a diary. you are my listeners, if there's anyone reading this. i bought this notebook in hopes to talk about my feelings, the feelings in question being about donnie may. things have been crazy lately and i don't know how to feel about it, who would i even talk about it with? a therapist? no way, i'm too terrified to even schedule an appointment. i'll stick to my stupid notebook that no one will ever read.

now to start this journey, it all began with donnie may jett on the first day of freshman year. it was lunch and at the time i had no friends, so, naturally, i was sitting alone like every other new freshie at that school. donnie may was just like me, alone and scared on her first day of high school, so she asked to sit with me because she liked the way i dressed. her exact words were, "excuse me, can i sit with you? i don't know anyone. and i like your style by the way, you're really pretty". instantly i was fascinated by her, she was everything and anything good put together. she was like as if the gods decided to grant her with the best looking hair, with a pretty smile and those gorgeous hazel eyes. at the time though i only saw her as a friend, not really attracted to her in a romantic way. although, that would change later on.

i'll spare you all the details, majority of it was boring anyway. we were friends, best of friends at that point, we were attached to each other by the hip. she was my best friend and someone i truly trusted, there was no one like donnie may.

although as time went on, a year goes by, things sort of got weird. donnie started acting different around me and i couldn't quite tell what it was. at the time i thought, "what is going on? does she suddenly hate me?", which was completely the opposite of how she was feeling.

in late january of 2018, sophomore year, she finally talked to me about it. she wrote me a note, slipped it into my locker and avoided me until after i read it. the note said, "dearest benny, this note is to explain how i feel since i haven't been the most honest about it. i understand that you've noticed the way things have been and you deserve an explanation. it'll be brief, i promise. you've never really told me you're stance on queer people so i'm genuinely and absolutely horrified to tell you this, but i have feelings for you. in a more than a friend way. i know we're friends and all but i just can't ignore the way i feel when i'm around you, or the way you make me feel. i feel all these big feelings for you, about you, and i understand if that ruins our friendship. i'm so sorry, i don't want this to affect us as friends.
-donnie may"

i was shook. i had no words. i have always had feelings for donnie, in the back of my mind, for almost a year and then she suddenly tells me she feels the same way? at the time it shook me to my core, i had to pinch myself multiple times to see if i was dreaming or not. it didn't feel real at the time. not at all.

at the time i was only fifteen, i didn't think she would've been supportive of my sexuality. no one really was the supportive type back then, they were all so ignorant and conservative. she did, in fact, support me no matter what. she was okay with me being queer, because she understood how it was to be different in a world where everyone was the same. i came to terms with myself when i was thirteen, and because of this girl who was a major taylor swift lover. i told this story to donnie, to which she laughed at me. she thought it was cute. i think donnie is cute.

i told her how i felt, it was difficult but i did it. not really with words but it worked. i walked straight to donnie's house after school and knocked on her door, she let me in then we went to her room and i just straight up kissed her. it was my first kiss, not only with a girl but in general, i was so inexperienced. donnie seemed to like it so we sat on her bed for, like, thirty minutes and made out until i finally talked to her about how i felt. i was already such a shy kid back then but i was even more shy when i was with her.

she made me feel things that i didn't understand. i lobed it a lot. lobe lobe lobe, that will always remind me of her.