to the end

v

as i'm writing this i must warn whoever is reading this to stop, donnie may jett is the one person who mustn't be known. not to the human eye.

the morning after that night, i woke up and for a second i didn't remember what happened. i didn't want to. donnie may woke up and tried to kiss my cheek, i moved away from her touch, to which she was confused and asked what was wrong. she was what was wrong, but how could i tell her that? i held myself together and told her to leave, that i couldn't stand another second being with her. it was gentle and quiet until she grabbed my hands and started aggressively asking me what was wrong, to which i broke and finally screamed at her to get out. i had tears in my eyes, i really didn't want her to leave but it had to be done. i didn't want you to leave. i threw your shit out the door and pushed you along and slammed the door after. that five minute breakup had me drained so i slid down the door and curled up into a little ball as i cried all day. all i wanted was for things to go back to normal, like when you used to hold me. i want you to hold me again.

donnie may you must know one thing, i didn't want you to leave. not one bit. i would've stayed despite the fact that you didn't want to, i would hurt myself a million times if it meant i got to keep you. but you were so dead set on breaking things off with me, you couldn't even tell me whilst i was conscious, or so you thought, so i did it for you. i did the hard part for you, and for that you deserve a big fat "fuck you."

i laid on the floor constantly in hopes you would knock on my door, two weeks before the breakup i moved out of my parents house and got an apartment, and you helped me move in so that entire place reminded me of you. the sheets still smelt like you, as did my clothes because you always enjoyed stealing my clothes. which btw, you never gave me back my favorite shirt and hoodie, do you still have them? do you wear them? if not, when you find them do you think of me? because i still think of you.

betty came round after things ended, said i looked miserable, which isn't wrong. nobody ever tells you how draining it is missing a person who's alive, i have the choice to talk to you and be physically with you but will ever reach out? no. but wait, should i? fuck i miss you and i'm willing to do anything to get you back at this point.

a part of me has always imagined our wedding. i'm not much of a sex person so i was scared that you'd leave me for that or you'd think i'm weird, so at our wedding we'd dance and kiss and hold hands and once we got home we'd eat ice cream and kiss some more. that's all, just kiss. we would've drank some wine too, realize we hate it, and drink apple juice instead. at first i would suggest orange juice because it's your favorite but you'd suggest apple juice instead because it's "my favorite drink ever bennie, you should know this" even though i know you hated it, always have, but you would've been willing to drink it for me.

this is just my imagination, i don't think this would've actually happened. it is what i would like to happen but in my mind i know it won't, you don't love me anymore. maybe you never really did.

you don't love me anymore and i just have to deal with it from now on.