to the end

iv

honey. that word reminds me of you. have i ever told you that? you'd ask me if i have i ever actually tasted honey? and id say no, but i used to lobe winnie the pooh as a kid. and you'd laugh at me. pooh bear likes honey, which just reminds me of you. winnie the pooh and honey, it's always you.

in a sense, everything does remind me of you to no end. which just reminded me, i was thinking about our past times, because when am i not doing that, and i realized i want to go on a date again.

i remember how nervous i was for our first date together, at the time you knew i liked you and i knew you, somewhat, liked me so it didn't matter whether or not it went well, i just wanted to be with you. i remember calling up betty and asking her what to wear, she helped me look casual but good looking. when you showed up to pick me up i wanted to stay home and just kiss you, just kiss, i was so head over heels for you and i couldn't not want to kiss you at every moment of the day.

rereading that passage makes me thing i'm obsessed with you, am i? i lobed you, and i still do so i have a right to? at some point you were in lobe with me too, i have a fair right to and i don't care what anyone else says. august has always been wrong. "august, honey..."

back to what i was saying, i remember our first date so well. i remember how embarrassed i was when i wore a skirt to a roller skating date, i couldn't help but think, "what is wrong with me?" "what if i fall and flash everyone right now?" in the end, you prevented that from happening, you held my hand as we glided around. i was only sixteen so i didn't know how to skate but you did and you helped me. skating will forever remind me of you.

you told me you liked the color green, specifically dark or sage green, and now i can't help but think about you whenever i see those greens. or just greens in general. august by flipturn came on today and that reminded me of you, what doesn't remind me of you? happy couples i want to say but we were once a happy couple. we were once happy together, where did that happiness go?

and actually as i'm thinking of it, the breakup still breaks my heart. i remember it all too well, as taylor swift would say. i remember i was holding onto you, you were holding me, and i felt so content in the moment. you must've thought i was asleep because suddenly you're whispering to me, "i couldn't tell you this whilst you're awake, but this thing between us isn't working anymore. i wanted this to work out but it isn't, not for me. how do i tell you? how do i prevent a giant mess that's inevitable? how do i break the news to you without breaking your heart?" what was i supposed to do? how was i supposed to react to that? i turned my body away from your hold and held myself whilst you were behind me.

the next morning only got worse.