to the end

iii

will i ever get over her? the world may never know. i mean, of course i will but the question more so is for when. when will i stop loving her, when will i stop thinking about her, when will every song stop reminding me of her? in my heart i know that i won't find someone else, i couldn't betray her like that, even if i know that she isn't gonna replicate that for me.

in a world where a person could get whatever they wanted, i would be with her and nothing would've gone wrong between us. sometimes people continue to ask me why i still want her even after how things ended, and why things ended in the first place.

donnie may was all i ever longed for, like that song fly me to the moon, she was all i wished for and adored. she was all i ever known, i met her in freshman year and finally got together with her in sophomore year and it even went until senior year, how am i supposed to get over that? it's been four years since i graduated school, i shouldn't still be having feelings for her. her stupid fucking hazel eyes keep me grounded and i hate that, i hate that they continue to bring my comfort, even if it is just my imagination.

seeing her makes me ache, it physically brings pain to my chest. i saw her not too long ago, we were, i was, there isn't a we anymore, i was in the book store we used to lobe and there she was. i haven't seen her since high school, she looks the same. i didn't get to see her eyes, but her lips look just as good, her hair sits so perfectly, she's still a ginger and that warms my heart. in all of my years knowing her, and pining for her, i never thought we would've ended up like this, im describing her features as if i haven't spent half a lifetime doing that and we haven't talked since i was eighteen. stupid stupid stupid donnie may, what happened? what went wrong? why are you making me ask so many questions? can you just give me answers?

maybe talking to me would've been better than just leaving, i would've lobed to hear what you had to say. you were and always will be my everything donnie may, always always always.

sometimes i still lay in bed and think, "will i ever be able to talk to her? should i reach out to her?" it was then that i decided i wanted to reach out since i haven't in years. a part of me knows it'll only hurt me but i feel i should try before i assume.

i pick up my phone, i got a new one as soon as donnie and i broke up, and called her. it rang for a bit before she finally answered, "hello, who is this?" my heart was beating so fast and i couldn't breathe, what was i supposed to say? i've been waiting for this moment for years and i finally get the opportunity but i blew it. i hung up as soon as she spoke, her voice still sounded the same.

does she still feel the same? fuck if i know.