Keep Driving [h.s]

five

Ella

I've never been so mad at myself in my life. How could I let this happen?

But what exactly happened?

Ever since Harry drove me home like he said he would, I have not stopped thinking. I tried to do something that would help me clear my mind but nothing worked. Everything that happened on Friday is a big blank blob in my brain and I am yet to understand what any of it means.

I should just let it go, I know. I realised that should have been the first thing I did when escaping whatever weird stuff is going on with the pretty French boy and his alluring English boss but I couldn't do it. I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

Once arriving at my apartment I washed my face with cold water, hoping it would wake me up enough that I could make sense of any of this. When that didn't help, I made myself a big glass of iced coffee in hopes that it will start up my brain. It did give me an energy boost but I still couldn't piece the things together.

When everything I tried failed, I decided that I would live the rest of my life in denial about this. I know something is going on but I truly can't comprehend what. Maybe it's better if I let it go. Maybe it's safer that way.

I tried to do that for the rest of the day. I busied myself with work, I finished up a couple of projects on my iPad that were due soon and sent them off to my clients. When I first looked up at the clock it read 11:27 pm. I wasn't tired at all but I knew I had to go to bed soon.

I took a long hot bubble bath in hopes that it would tire me out a bit and put me in the mindset for bed. I took my time, just laying in the tub, breathing in the lavender scent and letting the weight of my body sink deeper and deeper into the water until just my face was out of the water.

My arms and chest floated on top of the water while the rest of my body was heavier and stayed at the bottom.

I remember doing this a lot as a kid. I relaxed all my muscles in the tub and realised that my hands were floating while my feet weren't. I seriously thought I was a genius, discovering that some parts of my body stayed afloat while the others sunk. I ran out of the bathroom, my wet feet slapping against the tiles as I made it to my mum. I told her everything and tugged her with me back to the bathroom so she could see with her own eyes.

She should receive an Oscar for her performance that night. She acted like what she saw was revolutionary when in reality she already knew everything I showed her.

Later on, when I started going to school I learned that I wasn't a discoverer and that the magic behind it all was that some of the tissues have a density that is less than water. When it's more it sinks.

After soaking my body for an hour, I finally climbed out of the tub and showered off all the sweat from the heat. I slipped on my flannel pyjama set and my fuzzy socks, braided my hair and got in bed.

Though my body felt exhausted my mind wasn't quite there yet so I picked up the Kindle that I got from my mum a couple of years ago for Christmas and began reading a new book.

I read and read, my eyes scanning the lines of the pages but I couldn't really get lost in the story. Don't get me wrong it's a great book and a great storyline but my mind was somewhere else.

It was two in the morning when I put the book down and closed my eyes to try and sleep. Of course, that didn't happen. I was up all night, tossing and turning in bed, thinking and making up different scenarios.

I didn't sleep for a minute and I still can't quite rest, no matter how tired I am.

I spent the day working and then went for a run, though I hate running. I felt like maybe it would knock me out if I did some exercise but I wasn't able to take a nap when I got home and showered.