Afraid To Love

Philophobia 1

-Aliza-

"Ally/Iza!"

Narinig kung tawag sa akin ng 'Twins.'

"Malapit na!" I shouted back. Ngayon, pupunta kami sa puntod ni Ate Zek. It's her 3rd year Death Anniversary. Haist, sana nandito pa siya. Well, it's my fault, kung hindi ko lang sana siya pinakilala sa lalaking yun. Adi sana, kasama pa namin siya. Mom, Dad, and my Kuya's always told me not to blame myself for her death, but I can't help it. I think of it every second of my life. Even once, hindi naalis sa isip ko yung trahedyang dinulot ko. We we're once a happy and complete family. But because of what I did, the word happy is gone. Especially the word "complete." It's not the same when Ate died. Wala nang nagcucurl ng buhok ko, wala na ang taga gising ko, wala na yung 'Shoulder to cry on' ko. Pero ang pinaka importante, nawala na yung Ate ko. My one and only sister. Nagbuntong hininga nalang ako, at inisip ang favorite quote ni Ate na lage niyang sinasabi, "Despite of your terrible past, chin up, chest out and stand firm. And always remember, Romans 8:18, the pain you are feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.'"

"Remembering Ate again?"

I looked back, and saw Kuya Sam and Kuya King. I silently nodded my head yes.

"You know Ally, it's not your fault. It's been 3 years. 3 years Ally. Sana makalimutan mo na yun. And how many times do we need to tell you, it's not your fault. Walang may kasalanan sa nangyari. Walang may gustong mangyari yun. Okay? Kaya smile ka na at punta na tayo." Kuya Sam.

Napabuntong hininga nalang ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ang iisipin ko, if it really is my fault, or not. The other side of my head is telling me na okay lang, it's not my fault. While the other side, it's telling me na, it's my fault completely.

"What took you so long Iza?" Mom.
"Wala naman po Mom, I'm just wondering kung okay ba yung suot ko ngayon, you know naman po Ate, baka multuhin niya ako ng di oras."
"Hahaha, funny as always Baby. Anyways, let's go." Dad.

Yes, I can say things like that. I mean, I need to say things like that. Ayokong makita nila Mom na affected padin ako sa nangyari. Alam kung stressed na sila masyado sa work kaya naman ayoko nang dumagdag.

Sumakay na kami sa kotse. Dad drove while Mom sat on the shotgun seat. Kaming tatlo naman nina Kuya sa likod. Kuya Sam and Kuya King held my hand tightly, I looked at them both, the smiled at me. A warm smile. After that, I looked outside the window.

After three years, maraming nagbago. Maslalo na sa akin. I'm not saying things but, Kuya Sam and Kuya King, they stayed the same. Joker, masayahin, prankster, maalaga, baboy kumain pero sobrang conscious sa katawan, protective lalo na sa amin ni Mom, at higit sa lahat, mapagmahal. Lahat ng mga characteristics nila noon, ganun padin ngayon. Si Mom and Dad naman, the same rin. Maalaga, mapagmahal, business freaks, at mabuting magulang sa amin. Pero ako? The bubbly me, it's gone. The jolly me, wala na. I used to be the happiest person in the family, ofcourse me being the youngest. Actually, noon, lahat sila, alam nila kung ano ang nasa isip ko. But now, I'm a close book to them. Lahat na ng mga nasa isip ko, sinusulat ko nalang. No, I don't do diaries. I do poems, songs, essays, and stories. Dun ko nalalabas lahat. Actually, I tried writing one, the outcome? The twins 'borrowed' my diary and read it out loud. Narinig nga rin ni Mom and Dad. Ang nasulat ko pa dun, yung embarrassing moment ko sa mall with my friends.

Kakatapos lang kasi naming magshopping, then akala ko, nakita ko si Kuya King. And typically me, I covered his eyes with my hands then, it comes out hindi pala siya si Kuya King. The worst part there is, kaharap niya yung girlfriend niya. And you know the rest of the story.

"We're here." Dad

I snapped out from my thoughts at bumaba na ng sasakyan.

Ate Zek, namimiss ka na ni Bunso.

----------------------------------------------------

My phone beeped as I write. Tinignan ko kung sino.

From:
*Amber <3*
Baby! Malapit na pasukan, nakabili ka na ba ng mga gamit mo?

Oh shoot! School, I totally forgot.

To:
*Amber <3*
Oo nga pala! I forgot. Hindi pa ako nakabili, you ba?

I  can be this jolly. Masyado lang kasi akung emotional when it comes with Ate Zek. Kaya kanina, para akung patay.

From:
*Amber <3*
Ikaw? Makakalimutan mo ang school? Gosh! Your a nerd kaya. Anyways, natext ko na si Andrea. Nakabili na raw siya. Ano? Wanna go shopping today? Kahit tayong dalawa lang?

To:
*Amber <3"
Ofcourse. Pick me up at 3.

Pumunta na ako sa closet ko at nagpalit. I changed into my black ragged skinny jeans and paired it with dark green tank top. Sinuot ko na rin yung vans ko. I unplugged my phone from the charger, got my wallet at linagay na sa bag.

Pumunta muna ako sa kwarto nina Kuya at nagpaalam. Then bumaba na ako, tamang tama naman nasa labas na si Ambs.

"Let's go?"

"Tara."

Sumakay na kami sa kotse ni Amber. Her car is Lexus LS 600H.

Ah! I almost forgot, meet my Best Friend, Amber Mendez. We're bestfriends since diapers. You see, my Mom and her Mom are business partners and sisters since high school. Kaya naman, talagang close kami.

Ang pagkakaiba lang namin nina Mom, sila magkaparehas sila. While me and Amber, magkaiba. Why? She's on sports, I'm on academics. She's on romance, I'm on horror. She's body conscious, I'm on foods. She's on boys, I'm not with boys. She's matured, well, I'm not. She's an open book, and I'm closed. Iilan lang yan sa pagkakaiba namin ni Amber.

Aside from Amber, meet Katelyn Aguinalde. She's like Amber. Ang pagkakaiba lang nilang dalawa, Katelyn is a bit too much? What I mean is, may pagka 'bitch' siya. Not that I mean she's a Queen Bee, it's just that, you don't really want to mess with her. Wala siyang inuurungan. What she wants, she gets. Sinisigurado lang niya na wala siyang nasasaktan at naaapakan na tao.

Nakilala namin siyang dalawa ni Amber nung Grade 5. She's the new girl at that time.

"We're here."
"What do you want to do first? Shop or eat?" Tanong sa akin ni Amber as soon as nakalabas kami sa kotse niya.
"Ofcourse eat." I said in a 'duh' tone.

Amber just chuckled.
"Sabi ko nga diba? And oo pala!"
"What?" Tanong ko. For sure, may bago nanaman siyang nabalitaan. You see, among the three of us, she's the gossip girl.
"May bagong student daw."
"Oh really? Girl or boy?" Nagtaka naman ako. These past years kasi walang mga bago na students.
"Girl. Pero, sabi nung nakakita, kasi sabay silang nag enroll. The girl is mean daw. She's a total Queen Bee." Wew, new student, new Queen Bee huh?
"Paano naman niya nasabi? Maybe yung nagsabi ay insecure lang."
"That's what I thought din nung una. Pero sabi naman nila, she's eyeing the boys who's having their summer classes. Dagdag pa nila, she disrespected the other theachers that's in the room when she's enrolling." Pageexplain ni Amber.
"Then I bet, this school year will gonna be hell." Sabi ko at nag order na ng food.