wake up

7; trying

seven: trying

"they told me all of my cages were mental

so i got wasted like all my potential

and my words shoot to kill when i'm mad

i have a lot of regrets about that"

-taylor swift

*

I'm in my room trying trying trying to do my AP statistics homework.

I can't.

I can't.

My head is too messy. My room is too messy. My life is too messy.

I'm trying trying trying.

I wish I could tell everyone-everyone I'm letting down right now-that I'm sorry. That I'm trying. That me getting out of bed everyday is me trying.

That I'm sorry I can't stop taking pills. And I'm sorry I feel like my body and my mind are on different planets.

And I wish I could say

Sorry sorry sorry for not saving my family.

I wanted to. I tried.

Since I was a child.

"I will keep our family together," the eight year old said with a waver in her voice. "And even if I can't. I have to."

I was eight.

In the other room, my parents are at it again. Ripping into each other as if they are feral animals, oblivious to their children.

Oblivious to the fact that I am fading from existence.

Oblivious to Rosie's tears.

"I never thought you would do this to me," My mother is saying, and I pause my music.

Curious when I shouldn't be.

"Keep your voice down," My father shoots back and my eyebrows shoot into my hair. He's never seemed to care about the volume in this house.

"No, no, I will not be quiet!" My mother sounds furious-furious, layers and layers of fury on top of unbearable pain.

Something really bad has happened.

"How long has this been happening?" Mmo demands, "How long?"

"It was once," Dad says and mom scoffs.

"Once? Once is too many times!"

"Not like you haven't had an affair befo-"

"Don't you dare turn this around on me."

"There you go again. Avoiding the truth."

"You are the one avoiding the truth! Trying to keep the heat off you!"

An affair. An affair. An affair. An affair. An affair.

I give up on my homework for good, knowing I wasn't going to finish it anytime soon anyways.

"Who is she?" Mom shouts. "Who is the whore you decided to ruin your family for?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters!"

I sit in the doorway of my room, leaning my back against the frame, wincing as my fresh burns dig into the wood.