wake up

8; break

eight: break

you got me fucked up

i wont let this happen again 

this the last time

you won't take advantage of my innocence

i don't believe in you

disguised but i see right through

(demi lovato)

.

It has been two months since That Day, and I still have nightmares about it.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, remembering Rowan and his haunted eyes.

The haunted eyes that now haunt me.

He made a nice recovery, but it took around a month for the hospital to release him. He isn't paralyzed, though movement is limited, like mom predicted. After his month recovering in the hospital, he spent yet another month in a psych ward. He's gone, shipped off somewhere far from here.

I hope he's doing okay.

Finn is worried about me, I can tell. He knows me well, so he can tell when I am faking a smile. Morgan is always in the clouds and although he cares for me, he is a bit more oblivious.

Mom and dad are gone all the time. And of course, Rosie only knows the minimum. That my friend was hurt and I saw him.

I've noticed things that are starting to happen to me.

Weird things that didn't happen before.

It's hard to explain, but my brain is so foggy all the time. I'm always floating, lost somewhere I can't explain. I'm constantly tripping over my feet, breaking things. Connections that should be made just don't. Like I just miss the big picture.

I'm seeing through a broken lens and I don't know how to make my vision whole again.

Sometimes I find myself just zoning out for no reason, where it feels like nothing is real and my mind is disconnected from my body. My actions and words are not my own.

I looked up what I've been experiencing on Google. It seems like everything that is happening is consistent with DDD, depersonalization/derealization disorder. Or just dissociation in general. They say it can result from trauma or substance abuse, both of which I experience.

It gives me a little bit of comfort, knowing there is a name for what I am feeling-or rather, what I'm not feeling.

I don't bring it up to my friends or parents though. I've given them enough to worry about already.

Mom is so stressed out, with my dad, her work, and me. Their fighting has gotten increasingly worse and I know it's because of the cheating, the infidelity-but no one has told me anything else. Mom is always gone and dad is tight-lipped. I think I am just too exhausted to confront them. Dad came home just a few minutes ago-maybe now is the perfect time to ask. It's eleven in the evening, and I'm just surprised he came home this early.

"Hayden! I'm going to the store, you want anything?" Dad calls from the kitchen as I lay face-down on my bed, dangling a string over the edge for Honey to play with.

Dad says he is going to go get food.

Aka, alcohol.

"No thanks!" I call back and I hear the door close and the telltale rumble of the garage door opening.