Too Much To Handle

Chapter 4, school

At the age of 6, I started primary. I walked in, still thinking about that word. I look around me, and everyone in normal. Not scared, not sad, normal. Normal happy kids.
As I anxiously look around me, I inhale deeply and let out a deep sigh.
I wish I was normal.

I walk in my classroom. All of a sudden I hear a voice behind me. It sounded like my mum!
"Go mads! Walk in! I'm so proud of you!" She shouts, beaming with happiness.
I finally smile, and wave back.
I look in my classroom.
I say to myself, "what if I vomit?"
I shake my head, as I try not to think about it.
I walk in.

I start zoning out. My thoughts are getting too much now.
I'm fighting the urge to run out and stay with mum. But I don't know.
I'm still zooming out, but don't know because of how scared I am of vomit.
I hear a voice.
"Welcome!"
I instantly stop zoning out and realise that I'm at school. I'm here. In my classroom, away from my comfort person, my mum.
That voice, was my teacher!
"Hel- hello." I stutter, making it clear that I'm anxious hoping she'll recognise and help me, because I'm too scared to ask for help. I'm scared that people will make fun of my fear, that's why.

I put my bag in my locker and sit down. I don't recognise anyone.
Oh no. My fear is taking over.
My heart starts racing like a horse, my breathing was just like I ran 5 miles without stopping.
"Mads, are you okay?" Says my teacher.
Oh no, she noticed. Fake smile!! NOW!!
"Yes, I'm o- okay!" I say, acting happy.
My teacher stares at me, confused.
She noticed. What have I done?
"Everyone have a chat to each other and get to know each other, I'm gonna talk to mads."
Uh oh.
"Mads, what's wrong? You can tell me!"
I take a deep breath in, and out.
"Im scared." I say, making it clear that I was too scared to say it.
"Why?" replies my teacher, concerned.
"I'm scared of vomit and what happens if I vomit? Or someone else vomits? Or you vomit?! Or..."
My teacher stops me from speaking.
"Mads, it's okay. There's no need to be scared." She says.
I nod, as my heart is still beating fast.
My teacher smiles and walks back to her chair to continue teaching.

The day is finally over, what happens if tomorrow is the exact same?
I run out and see my mum waiting for me at the gate.
I run up to her faster than I've ever ran before.
Mum smiled
"Hi Mads! How was your day?" Mum says.
"It was normal." I say.
"Normal? So it wasn't good?!" Mum says.
"I don't know." I say.
We go home
What happens if tomorrow is the same? I can't control my thoughts.
But, at least I'm home.