Living & Surviving "HELL ON EARTH"

Chapter #12 "Anxiety is a Bitch"

"It can't be healthy at all to feel anxiety this often and frequently each and everyday, I just sit back and think "Is this a forever thing?" My heart beats so fast and my heart hurts at times depending on the severity of the anxiety bu
t like imagine getting older couldn't these panic, anxiety attacks cause a heart attack or something like that ?" I don't want to die like that and that won't be the way I'm going to die I'm scared of that because my anxiety has never really been conquered or solved.." The crippling feeling of anxiety and the panic it causes oh my goodness is worse then depression, and something wild I was thinking about a second ago was that deep down I don't feel I have depression ina way however I do feel it and do get depressed but I'm only depressed because something that's important as fuck to me isn't going my way and or isn't being fulfilled and theres a large portion of disappointment that goes into that depression I'm not just depressed for no reason lifes great, you just got to put all the pieces of the puzzle together and formulate a strategy so that each and every damn day you wake up you know what your main objective is and never lose sight of it.
Living in fear is not fun it feels like people are after you and essentially having a minor panic attack and that's just the worst feelings ever, the top three worst feelings of life have to be "Anxiety, Depression, Panic, living with all of that isn't fun its so miserable and makes me feel so drained at the end of the day honestly I don't get as much rest as I should sometimes because I stay up I think a lot I don't sleep. I used to think sleep was a waste of time I only thought that way because I thought about what we could accomplish with those other 8 hours we had reserved for sleep,

"However at times I do see times of it getting better I'm not feeling as bad and ssosndinf on what your going threw shit might not be as bad as orginally thought" the funniest thing I don't remember if I mentioned already but when I had the anxiety meds sent the house I haven't even started them I'm not scared but since this a unfiltered book I should explain why and because I'm a big partier I take part drugs i drink a lot from time to time I do smoke and consume lots of THC as well... so I really don't know ideally if all those mixed with my new anxiety medication will do its true job or I fear do more damage,? I do not want anymore setbacks in my life during this year not if they are avoidable. One thing I still do is worry about things I can't currently control but stress about the future or not having full faith in a situation or something it causes ANXIETY feelings of uneasy and I can't sleep at all when anxiety is afloat... especially when bad or really traumatizing things happen to you it's just impossible not to imagine them happening again, sometimes I'm thinking too much about it and it makes me unhappy and depressed especially cause you can't just live a normal life its full of panic and fear as I was saying earlier we live in fear and that's not fun at all for me"
Theres no way to shut off the overthinking or the feelings of being uneasy... something's always not feeling right I need to learn to relax otherwise my life won't feel like it ever hits pause and that's dangerous,

But going threw bullshit is dangerous as well cause I just hate that I wait for stuff to happen sometimes and I can't think straight I can't think about the things that really keep me motivated because these moods wanna creep up on me I'm pissed off because I don't feel like I can Express myself without getting pissed off about it on social media so if I'm not writing in this book am I holding it in ? That's a hard yes I just wish people weren't fucking idiot's you see why I hate this world because not only are the people bullshit its even the people "Closest" ain't no Facebook friend or Instagram person checked up on me or heard me when I need it most, yet when I cuss up a storm or have explicit anger filled posts people want to comment and offer their stupid ass advice. Meaning I rather suffer alone because I don't want no mediocre people in my life I realize honestly I haven't had anyone too much growing up and when I said I don't have anyone I mean anyone outside my tiny circle anyone whose my friend or is a facebook friend or Twitter,etc and they've seen me suffering or silently crying for help on social and ignored me?.I gotta message for all you fake ass motherfuckers that wronged me and left me to feel like shit amd left me to die fuck all of you and I'd honestly seek to do serious harm to people who fuck with me, I hate fake ass people who like to pretend they care o hate you guys I really wanna kick your fucking asses and harm all of you because I can't reach out I can't reach out and feel my pain will ne understood it's just dumbshits just scrolling threw and allowing me to suffer well people also like that can burn in hell
"If I could I'd simply selfishly wish away my anxiety & depression wish that my damn pain would go away so that I could have and pursue a normal life, like this isn't fun at all, my outlook on life is way different and much more cloudy then it once was,
One thing to truly ask myself is that if I can even say I know what it feels like to be happy and not have to live without anxiety or depression or flaws because once I discovered anxiety and depression in my teenage life, that's when you can say life had truly started..." So realistically in a way I haven't lived life or even seen my potential yet at all...." because if I'm looking at the timeline of events in my life and breakdown of the last seven years it all makes the most sense, understanding your life and understanding why the fuck shit is happening, Once you "Understand " you wont spend unnecessary time confused or unsure of why something bad happened to you, you use your past flaws or bad moments to level up so naturally your gaining more maturity just being experienced in life Unfortunately when it comes to facing bullshit, your very much aware and you aren't letting anyone or anything distract or stop your efforts. When it comes to anything of importance and could even be the simplest thing I still carry anxiety, especially with driving. and or being in a car let alone on a freeway, or for example like being nervous before a big test or asking the girl of your dreams out on a date? " so many obstacles and variables to consider and list, your overthinking of a situation can mess things up and make situations so much more stress filled.
Its caused me to massively panic, make uneducated decisions, I pace back and forth too when I'm nervous or if my anxiety is super rough my stomach will tighten and you just feel absolutely paralyzed with fear within your body and stomach, can't ignore the heart beating extra fast as well" the crippling feeling of anxiety also described as living with extra fear and panic and I just don't feel its safe to feel anxiety or depression let alone stress at a old age I can't imagine being 55+ years Old having a panic attack, you could die literally from depression and anxiety your heart can be so damaged and you can have everything you ever imagined taken fully away..... if you don't conquer an fight the battles why we are younger, wiser ,faster, stronger, we must do it as long as we can we don't have a lot of time in life left meaning time does go by so fast and in a blink of a eye it's another the next month in the calendar year.
You've definitely got to chase and absolutely go after your goals and dreams and make those beautiful thoughts a reality, despite having past flaws that have ruined my own personal relationships, due to anxiety or battles with depression and because of the anxiety it would cause me to worry and never feel content, like if ina relationship and I was feeling some type of way even tho I've lost friends and relationships cause.
I have to battle a sickness doesn't mean you abandon or leave someone, it took me forever to open up to people and in a way opening up to people talking about what's wrong, talking and expressing how you feel is so damn important I can't stress that enough, if you allow it to build up and you let it sit within your mind and soul it will destroy you.... I know because it almost did that to me, I was scared and worried because I didn't want to lose myself or who I knew I was.

Knowing and remembering your self worth is very important, we often lose track during the midst of life's unfortunate circumstances, there's many examples of your self worth & knowing your value is important accepting nothing less, I can't say I followed my own advice growing up I've allowed people to walk all over me, undermined my skillset, and was taken advantage of by people and didn't do anything, not that i didn't want to, I just never wished to give negative toxic situations life, quite pointless and draining as hell for the mind, body, soul, unlike no other...the year's I've learned to truly invest in myself and appreciate myself more.... as we all know that our battles with life start from within.. right when we look in the mirror the image across from you, I've only wanted the best for myself..not just that for my entire family & friends, etc I've done so much and been wronged by people & this society since I was a teenager, I've invested my time with so many people was not cause I was needing to be laid or just to have a attractive significant other, "What I've looked for when it came to relationships was QUALITIES in that person.. what best defines them, how they carry themselves, etc MOST IMPORTANTLY how do they handle defeat... I want to know what they are like if a argument arises.., do they possibly have any toxic traits, It's important to take serious note of all this shit because it's everything around you, let alone your wellness in many ways... don't give yourself a opportunity to build up a bad relationship, people sometimes only see the surface of what your facing.

Anxiety stops you from accomplishing anything, it causes you to panic before something happens and in some forms may just be your mind overthinking and overwhelming itself..

I do that non stop can't find a place in my mind to relax even for a second, I think about a bunch of different things going on happening both in my life personally and professionally there's never a dull moment in my mind always thinking. Nowadays its just the nature of how we look at things or how we perceive them, how we handle the good & bad times shows us who we really are how tough are you truly? I know I can triumph anything that comes my way or poses as roadblock, my confidence is high.. I don't feel like anxiety has kept me away and overwhelming constant thoughts in the mind and never getting the opportunity to shut my mind off for even a second, that in itself is endangering I guess it's about managing and not letting everything get to you or cause you stress, pain, anxiety, I find myself pacing around constantly especially if I'm awaiting something nerve-wracking or dealing with a time sensitive subject I'm a absolute mess, especially when it comes to some really bad nerves...
I've kinda grow into them depending on the severity of the situation I can manage my emotions so much easier than previously but most definitely a lot more well aware of my surroundings and what happens and helps your awareness, cause you can't let your guard down because the way the world isn't safe for anyone so many good people are abused and taken for granted, chivalry is beyond dead..I  don't how to fully educate someone to help them avoid running into traps in this day and age, overthinking kills you.. anxiety kills you & worst of all STRESS.. at the top of it all  we only get one life we must take full advantage knowledge is power....