Why?

Chapter 2

I walk out of the changing rooms, laughing with my friend Esmeralda, Dee for short. She has been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and she shares in my insomnia and so on, making it and easier weight to bear, knowing I'm not completely alone.

She just doesn't know how bad it is with me. I'm really hoping this is just a phase, and I'm trying to stay positive.

We walk down the stairs in unison, and I'm so involved in my thoughts that I don't realise Dee is trying to talk to me.

"I mean, I already know, but what do you think?" She stared at me expectantly.
"Yeah, yes, I think it's...great?" I stuttered, trying not to make it sound like a question and failing miserably. Dee raised an eyebrow.
"So you think that Axel's idea to send all women to the kitchen is a good idea?"

Oops.

"Ummmm.....no?" I smiled sheepishly. Dee sighed and smiled back.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
"Sure, I'll take the penny!" I placed an excited look on my face to cover my inner emotions. I was so close to meeting down my walls but I just couldn't. It was like I wanted to tell her but I just couldn't.

Her laughter still rang in my head as we separated to go our separate ways.

~~~

I gazed out of the window in English, the supply teacher boring me to no end. The teacher before him had been really nice, and was always bouncy and cheerful, with a big smile on her face. Now she had gone, all that was left was time to wait for the teacher before her to come back from her extended holiday (we don't know what happened to her).

Rain fell in droplets, sliding down leaves and trailing down windows, joining together in synchronicity. I sighed in pleasure and boredom, the former because of the sound of the rain, the latter because of the supply.

"So now, please fill in box number three..." his boring voice droned on. I looked down at my paper. I had done that box ten minutes ago, but to save myself from unnecessary questions, I took the lid off my pen and doodled in my book, not caring that the teachers would see it. Being the-girl-who-is-too-afraid-of-shouting to-go-against-the-teachers-so-she-is-a-teachers-pet, they never tell me off.

But, in all fairness, I have childhood trauma to back me up as an excuse. We were staying at my aunt's, in Mexico, and she had a nice little chair that I liked to sleep on as a toddler. So, when I was tired, I took it out, and put it in the living room. I was about to climb into it to sleep, when my aunt's husband came in and snatched the chair off me! Then he started full on shouting at me, a toddler, and then I started crying and he got even more angry, so close to slapping me.
Then, my mom, with her awesome mama bear instincts (you know, as moms have) felt and heard me crying and shouted back at that awful husband, then we packed up and left with my sibling, never to return until he was dead. (He did die, R.I.P)

But there you have it folks, the reason why part of me is the way that it is, and maybe one day, I will overcome it. And I know I'm not the only one with stories like this, the trauma and so on.  If you need a safe place to talk, feel free to talk (any horrible comments will not be tolerated, so please be respectful).