Citrus: Mei's Story vol. 1 - Guarded Heart

IV. Consequences

      The next morning I found myself growing ever more excited as I got closer to the hospital. Thanks to the understanding of Himeko and Maruta, I had been able to have my morning duties taken care of so I could be available for this morning meeting with Grandfather. I decided against telling them who else would be attending. I reached the entrance waiting area and felt my heart starting to pound. I wanted to see her.
"Yo, over here!"
Her voice was a beacon. It pulled my eyes right to where she sat on the bench. I was so glad that she had closed her eyes. The sheer amount of joy in her smile caused me to slip my composure for a moment. It was all I had imagined and more. She waved at me as she spoke in a very amused and happy voice.
"Morning, Mei!"
Too cute! If this is how it's going to be I'm in trouble.
      I quickly spun on my heels and walked towards the elevator. I couldn't let her see me like this. Not yet.
      "I'm going to his room."
Don't look back. Don't look back. Don't look back to make sure she's coming because then you'll just stare at her longingly if you do.
      "Ah, okay...!"
      I breathed a sigh of relief as I heard her accessories clinking as she moved to catch up with me. Riding in the elevator was almost painful because she kept fidgeting as though she expected to be executed or something. I was torn between my desire to take her hand, hug her, or just ignore it so that my own nervousness didn't betray me. I caught her glancing my way a few times and had to concentrate on my own breathing in order to not have my heart pounding become audible. But each time I did, her brightness seemed to quiver.
Is my presence just as difficult for her? Maybe my comment about names was too much and she's forcing herself after everything. We're not sisters anymore... but maybe it would be better if I kept letting her think that. I just want to be with her, but I keep messing it up. Maybe she would be happier if we just started from scratch. A hard reset so I can show her what I feel and how I want to be. But maybe she just wants a sister, and I'll only make things worse by telling her that she's been removed from the family as a part of a plan to allow us to be together. I can't let my emotions run away from me again. I don't want to cause her any more pain. I have to focus on being better. For my goal of protecting the academy, and for her.
       The walk to the room felt like I was being led into a sentencing where death was a possible outcome. I realised that I had overlooked one thing in how I had interacted with Grandfather. He could simply tell Yuzu what was going on and destroy everything I was dreaming of. Unlike with Mother, we had never talked about keeping thing secret. It made me want to grab Yuzu and run. All that was going to happen today was Grandfather publicly acknowledging what she did and cancelling the expulsion so she could start coming to school again. I could just as easily tell her the news myself, but one look at her eyes and I knew she'd never go for that. She wanted to talk to him herself and probably thought it was up to her.
        That's when I noticed it. The accessories I had heard clinking with her movements were all on her bag, including the most adorable little bear plushy. But her clothes were toned down in terms of how she had been dressing. She wasn't wearing the right ribbon, she still wore her blouse with the top buttons undone, and she was in the winter cardigan instead of the usual vest.  Her hair and makeup looked almost natural except for the blonde colour in her hair. She almost looked like she was trying to look like a regular student at the academy but couldn't help but do it in her way. And the way the cardigan was a size or two larger than her frame was enough to seem less boy-crazy attractive and more casually soft cuteness that really fit her figure.
Was she always this... gorgeous and handsome? How is she not in a relationship already?
      I took a deep breath and she followed suit as though she thought I was guiding her to relax. It made my heart jump saw her give a nervous smile before I opened the door. In the room Grandfather was sitting up in his bed while a stool sat next to the bed. I didn't hesitate. I took the seat and made sure to have the perfect posture as though unfazed by being in the same room as my traditionalist grandfather and the girl I was crushing on. The look he gave me as I sat told me he knew what I was doing.
No intimidation tactics from you today. She is mine.
      The situation also left Yuzu standing closer to the door in case she needed to escape. It may have been uncomfortable from her point of view, but I wasn't going to let her get sucked into being Grandfather's tool to use against me. I could hear her shuffle nervously behind me and to my left.
      "Um..."
     Her voice started so meek and hesitant that I wanted to reach over and take her hand. Instead I clenched my hands into fists and closed my eyes so I couldn't be seen to glance at her as she continued.
      "I know you're still sick and everything..."
Damn it. She's not acting like herself! Grandfather, please don't change your mind and make this hard.
      "But there's something we need to talk about..."
Okay... better... not quite as meek and good job making it a need and not a request or want. That makes it harder to dodge.
       "Would that be your expulsion?"
      "Th-that's right!"
Stop toying with her!
      "First..."
       At that single word I felt my world drop out from under me. In the darkness of my mind I saw infinite possibilities for how he could destroy me simply with what he decided to say next. My fists hurt as I tightened them to keep still. All I could do was wait and listen to what he chose to say.
      "I must express my gratitude. I caused you a great deal of trouble yesterday."
Just yesterday?! Try since you met!
      "Um, there's no need for that..."
You're wrong, Yuzu. If anything there is need for more than he will ever give.
       "Anyone would have done the same thing."
You remember who you're talking to right?! He likes being respected by the students through their fear of him. He was horrible to you just for looking cute. I'm his granddaughter, and I caused this to happen to him. Just acknowledge that you're an angel compared to us.
     "B-besides..."
     My nerves tensed again in anticipation for whatever she said. A part of me dared to hope she was about to say she did it for me.
      "We're family, Gramps."
      That caused me to open my eyes as guilt of the truth my grandfather and I both knew filled my throat. I gave Grandfather a pleading look.
Don't say anything about our deals, please.
     "We gotta look out for each other."
      As she finished her speech, I felt my heart bursting to tell her everything. I got as far as opening my mouth when Grandfather spoke.
      "Hmmm. There's still much to discuss..."
       That is between you and me. She is to be free from that.
      "But for now, I've decided to revoke your expulsion."
      "Really?!"
      The sheer joy and excitement at that news was worth the build up and all the things I had done to make it happen. Her smile rang in her voice and I had to concentrate just to not let my own emotions out.
      "Mei told me why you acted out at the assembly."
Careful, Grandfather...
      "I was too proud to see what was really going on with my granddaughter."
Understatement. You refused to see it until yesterday even after hearing about Amamiya. And stop giving her clues!
      "Uh, Right...!"
      "I'm going to use my time here to think things over. Perhaps I've been too heavy handed..."
      He may have been looking at Yuzu, but I felt like that was potentially a threat towards me. The only thing I couldn't figure out was what play he was gearing up for. And then he turned to address me directly.
     "Now then, Mei."
     My heart leapt into my throat to find somewhere to hide, but there was nothing I could do but listen and look for whatever trap he was going to play.
     "It's time for you, and you alone, to decide how to live your life."
       I felt as though— in my surprise— the Earth was shattering around me. I knew the implications of what he was actually saying: I was no longer tethered to the responsibilities that had been my existence up until now. If I was going to be the dutiful heir willing to sacrifice my heart for the family, or give up everything to be with the girl I loved... it was all for me to choose. He was cutting me loose. All I could think was he was going to start looking for a successor without waiting for me or the Professor. It felt like he was abandoning me. While the shackles on my heart slid off, I finally was realising the full weight of that freedom and the potential implications. It pulled me to my feet.
      "Grandfather...!"
Don't you dare take away my chance to prove myself capable! We had a deal!!
      But as I looked into his eyes, I saw something so vastly different from the grandfather I knew. In those soft caring eyes I saw that he wasn't abandoning me, or reneging on our deal. He was forfeiting the demand that I must obey. He was saying that he would respect my choice. And he was challenging me to impress him if I was really serious about my feelings for Yuzu and the school. There was comfort but also a pressure that I had never known before. The pressure to decide for myself. Because he would no longer decide for me.
      "Understand?"
      I could hear Yuzu shifting as she watched this exchange and I could only bow my head and try to hold back the turmoil he had unlocked within me just by granting me this gift. My voice was barely more than a loud whisper.
      "Yes..."
Thank you, Grandfather... but also... what should I want for my life? What is there for me besides the school and the family? What if I go down this road and in the end have nothing because Yuzu doesn't feel the same? What should I do? I want... I want the Professor to come back and take over... but also... I don't. What if he's different now? What if those letters I never open are full of someone I don't know? He did come back and marry someone without me. What if... what if he doesn't love me anymore? Am I replaceable by everyone? Will she... will she need me? And can I wait to find out?
      I didn't really pay attention to what happened after that, besides being handed my own mobile phone to use now that I had more responsibilities, and though it went unspoken, more freedom from his standards. My whole world was crumbling around me and revealing itself as a prison keeping me from a universe I didn't know. Only one thing remained constant, and her voice broke me out of my silence as we walked away from the hospital.
      "Mei, thanks so much..."
I love how you say my name. I'm lost and scared but still you give me light and warmth. I should be thanking you.
      "For smoothing things over with Gramps."
      "It was nothing."
Really, there was no smoothing from me. You did all the smoothing yourself. I just kept hitting him with truths he didn't want to accept. If anything, you are the only reason he's acting different. But then is it that he is accepting you and what I told him, or is he giving himself the opportunity to reject me and you in a way that won't cause issues? Am I even his granddaughter anymore? Who am I supposed to be now?
     "So, you gonna come home with me or what?"
     Yuzu asked me this while running ahead of me, which gave me the safety to feel like dying from melting at the unintentional sensual implications of that question. There was no way I could answer that without feeling like we would be miscommunicating. Because I would be saying yes to an implied question that I don't think she was meaning even if she loved me. So I just waited until it was safer.
       "Even Gramps said you can do what you want!"
Did he mean it like how you make it sound? I'd love for it to be that amazing and hopeful. I have his permission to wander through an unknown world of possibilities with no safety net. I know that he is giving me permission to pursue an existence he views as vulgar and depraved. And that he would neither try to save me or control me. The only thing I see with any hope is you, Yuzu...
       "Mom misses you a ton!"
       The thought of how Mother was... it was enough to give me guidance for the present. I could know who I was in the moment even as the future was still dark and dangerously unknown. And then Yuzu looked back at me with the most adorable pouting face.
       "Pleeease?!"
       I closed my eyes and thanked the Professor for getting married to Mother just because of the gift of Yuzu's cuteness in my life. Now was the best time to answer but I just couldn't bring myself not to be nervous about seeming too excited.
      "Even if my father isn't there..."
What would the Professor say about what I did? Is he still the Professor?
      "It is still my home."
Do not say it's because she's there. Even though that's exactly the reason. While Mother is family, Yuzu is the bigger deciding factor.
     "That is the only reason I'm going back there, not because you asked me to."
      When I opened my eyes, I was greeted by the smiling face of Yuzu. Just seeing it made me think Mother would be proud of me for acting cold despite Yuzu being the main reason I had been working to return. As we walked towards the station I let out a sigh.
If it brings me Yuzu's smile, I guess I'll listen to Mother's advice.