Youth With You

दस

Irene's family was a typical intellectual family. Her father was a professor at a university in Buri Ram, and her mother taught English at a high school. Irene would always say it was fortunate her mom didn't work at our high school, otherwise she would definitely be miserable. Her mother was known as a strict teacher and taught very well. At a young age, she became the English grade leader, and when she got older, even the principal had to give her respect. In today's age when high school teachers immersed themselves among students, her mother could still miraculously maintain a chilling aura.

Family greatly influences one's character. After all, as soon as one is born, a large part of their fate is practically decided. The only things under their control are tiny branches on their main path.

Irene and I went through a honeymoon phase for half a year after that. During that time, we wished we could stick to each other every day, and every time we had to part ways, we would dawdle for a long time in front of the school. Sometimes we walked along the road after exiting the library, and there would be nothing much to say. We would just look at each other and giggle, then after giggling we would kiss, then after kissing we would buy a bunch of ice cream to eat.

If being with Irene until now was like drinking tea, then I was drinking excessively during this time, until I was intoxicated every day and unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy. To me, the future was like an agile and cunning fish—so slippery that I couldn't grab it no matter how I tried. All I could see was me and Irene at that very moment.

Irene, on the other hand, was a person who did things with a plan and advanced step by step on her established path in life. She was a rational person who felt that it was better not to do things that would have no result, so she confessed to her family first.

Afterward, her mom said to her that she still had her life ahead of her, so she shouldn't make decisions so early. Could you handle being pointed at and whispered about all your life? Could you handle having no one to rely on when you're old? Irene said that she could still have kids if she wasn't married.

"Do you have the heart to see a child without a father?" Her mom asked her.

This was all what Irene told me later on. That day, she and I went to a barbecue place outside the west gate and talked until it was quite late. She said that she couldn't outargue her mother, and her mother was right. But she wasn't doing anything wrong either. She didn't know who was wrong.

I could feel Irene's pain. Her way of coping with pain was to throw herself into endless professional books, as that field of hers was boundless anyway.

With the arrival of specialized courses and various labs, Irene was so busy that she was about to black out, and we rarely saw each other.

Although I was aware that perhaps she intentionally made herself this busy, I didn't have the courage to ask her for anything in the end.

What could I do? Ask her to have an extra meal with me? Or talk with me a little longer?

What could be said had already been said several times, and the days would always have to pass one at a time. In reality, every day was monotonous with nothing poetic nor far away.

At the time I wondered, what should I do when I liked a person? Could I really have a person for myself? Was being together every day having her for myself? How exactly did two people who loved each other get along with each other?

The twenty-year-old me couldn't come up with any answers.

Later on, Irene never mentioned her parents in front of me again, and I reckoned that back at her parents' place, she would keep her mouth shut about me too.

At the beginning of junior year, everyone now had to think of their next steps. Those going abroad started taking the GRE and TOEFL, and those taking graduate school entrance exams next semester also had to start reviewing. My department had very few spots for graduate school and doctoral studies, all of which were taken up by top students.

When Irene suggested that I go abroad, I didn't speak for a long time.

I then had a large fight with her, which was our first one.

"Your grades are good, and your major is pure science, so you should review your English well and study abroad."

"Then why don't you go abroad?" I asked her.

"I just want to be a doctor. Don't you not know what you want to do? It'll be good to go out and see more of the world."

I got a bit anxious and said, "Then we'll have to separate."

"Separating doesn't mean anything," Irene calmly said, "After a few years, if you want to come back, then come back. Besides, it's almost senior year, think about the future first."

Hearing her say this, I was so angry I couldn't speak. My heart churned for a long time before I said, "You don't know what long-distance entails?"

After waiting for a while and not seeing her speak, my voice trembled uncontrollably. "What do our feelings mean to you? Nothing?"

"I don't know. I would rather be a cold-blooded animal and not like anyone. Every time you do, you either get hurt or have to bear so much pressure." Irene stared at me, her eyes bloodshot, the corners of her eyes red. "Lisa-Ka, when people look at you with those kinds of eyes, can you really ignore it? Is a lifetime of that really fine for you?"

A lifetime. For a moment, my mind was punctured by that word.

All that I saw and thought back then, all my life experience, had no control over that word.

Anything that could reach a lifetime would become heavy. They would press down like dark, boundless clouds.

That was the first time I desperately wanted to become strong—strong enough to support myself, and I said to Irene, "A life like that is fine."

But at that moment, I couldn't even see the edge of a lifetime.

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The GRE is a test taken to evaluate how prepared someone is for graduate-level coursework. The TOEFL tests a person's English skills. Both need to be taken for students to do graduate studies abroad in the US.