Youth With You

बारह

In the forum, there were quite a few people in the gay section, but there wasn't a lez section. Once I published my post, it drew in many people. There were viewers of all mindsets—consolation, well wishes, lurkers, and even cynicism. But they couldn't affect me because my story had been written long ago.

More and more people came to read it later on, and some started to question it, saying that I was making the story up. Nowadays, those who said "my friend" or "my classmate" must have been talking about themselves, and a majority of those who said "I" were fabricating things just to get attention. Thinking about it, this was indeed the case, so I would just act like I was writing a novel.

In this northern city, the snow was heavy in the winter. On Christmas Eve that year, Jungkook, a Korean guy invited me to go skiing. I instantly fell in love with the feeling of flying. It took me all winter to be able to turn freely on the snow. When I was skiing with him, it felt exactly the same as being with Cai Xu Kun.

I knew I had no chance of falling in love with a boy anymore.

In my next life, I should just be a boy. I loved sports so much and meshed in well with boys, I was sure I would have many good buddies. But on second thought, only girls could understand Irene's emotions that were as fine as hair. If I were a boy, I would always be separated from Irene by a veil. Although I would have the possibility of marrying her, I didn't want that kind of possibility. I wanted the complete understanding we once had.

So in my next life, I should still be a girl. In my next life, I didn't want to like her, I wanted to be her best friend.

A year later, I basically finished posting my story. Within this year, there were many fellow netizens who commented on my post. There were boys and girls who would tell different sad stories. I said it was worth it to have loved, but they said if you loved each other then you had to be together. I said that the Spring Festival the year I was twenty, the things I had gotten were enough to squander for the rest of my life. They said they didn't believe in love anymore. I said I still believed in love, and even when I was fifty or sixty and was menopausal, full of wrinkles, and old beyond recognition, I would still love.

■□■

Three years later, the summer I graduated from graduate school, I was on the schoolyard taking pictures in my graduation gown when Irene suddenly sent me a message.

"Lisa, I'm getting married."

Stunned, I replied without thinking, "Why are you in such a hurry to get married?"

She quickly replied, "My parents aren't in great health, I have a lot of schoolwork, and in the future I'll only be more tired and busy, so I need someone to help me."

Irene's parents were quite old when they had her. After reading it, I typed, "Oh, is he good to you—"

I hadn't finished typing the question mark when she sent, "He's a few years older than me and treats me well."

I laughed and deleted the words I typed.

I wanted to reply, "Look after uncle and auntie." Again, I thought it was nonsense and deleted it.

I thought for a moment, it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer, "Take care." That's what I sent.

As I was repeatedly deleting and typing on my phone, Irene was also writing something. Just when I sent it, she replied, "How are you? Do you have a boyfriend?"

I opened my photos and found a selfie of me and that Korean guy. It was very cold and windy that day, and there wasn't a single person on the trail. The temperature display on the mountaintop showed negative twenty-six degrees. We both took a selfie next to the temperature board to save the memory. I was dressed in oxblood red, not a single patch of skin on my face exposed. There were nothing but the snowflakes fluttering in the sky reflected in my ski goggles. I thought I looked quite cool in it.

I sent this picture to Irene, and she said, "That's great. I'm happy for you."

—Maybe you and I were playing a crazy game of charades
With the ending already decided from the first frame—

That summer, I traveled to the West Coast with some of my classmates to swim. I had come to California.

The sunshine in California was nice, but it wasn't much different from anywhere else. There were palm trees on the beach, but I didn't find any silvery-white sand.

When I was sixteen, I was filled with expectation because of that song. Now that I had really come here, I couldn't say I was disappointed, but I didn't have the same naivety and energy as when I was sixteen.

I believe animals and people are all like this. Every year we age, a stone is tethered to our bodies, so we become increasingly calm and reserved.

I wanted to take a picture and send it to Irene, but I didn't think it was appropriate. What did I want her to reply with? Sometimes instant messaging really was superfluous.

I ended up buying a stack of California postcards and mailed them to her.

After graduating, I stayed in Canada to work. There really was a more liberal atmosphere here. These past few years, I tried dating two girls. One was lively and open, and the other was quiet, a bit like Irene. In the end, both relationships came to nothing.

From hello to goodbye. Ending things with the same word as the beginning.

Am I really in love? Or am I dating to break up? Once again, it comes to me. An easy ending.

—12—

Taken from Epik High – Spoiler & Happen Ending