The Revelation

Chapter 9

              I found myself making my way slowly towards the college after my ominous meeting with James. I had considered skipping college but I needed to be around people today to calm me down and keep my mind off of things I didn't want to think of.

 It was only after I started my day at college that I realized how futile my efforts were. Everything was kind of a blur to me. I could feel the lecturers speaking but did not register a single word they said, I could feel my friends talking to me but did not remember my answer to them. It was as if my subconscious mind was acting in default mode, dealing with everything I considered a distraction today and leaving my conscious mind to dwell on the raw fear that gripped me and felt as if an icy cold hand had wrapped its way around my throat. I found myself analyzing and examining patterns that I had learnt when I worked with them, trying to guess where and when and how their first attack would come and my chances of countermanding them.

            Having worked for and with them, being trained by them, I acknowledged what James had said — there would be casualties, to think I could prevent all of them would be foolish. I knew how they worked. I did not hold out for a happily-ever-after type of ending...that was only true in movies...it wasn't true when someone decided to work against a group as dangerous as what I was dealing with. All I could do was hope that such casualties would be minimal...so that I didn't have the ghost of my past haunting me throughout the rest of my life...reminding me of what I had done and lost.      

             I could not back out now; I had to see this till the end...for better or for worse. If I came out of it, I would be better off. However I would have to deal with the inevitable that remained...I could not leave this part of me behind. Maybe I would have to find an alternative avenue for using my skills. I could hardly think of special services — I was probably on their most wanted list. Well, I would have to think about it...though the last few years with them had brought out the worse in me, I wanted the adventure it offered...the thrill of doing the difficult coupled with the risk. It made the thrill of surviving through the mission the most potent drug I loved experiencing.

               I couldn't think of never doing it again...of being just another one in the crowd of millions. Was this arrogance? Had this arrogance or whatever I wanted to be — resulted in the death of so many? Was I wrong? These thoughts kept clashing with one another in my mind, giving rise to a chain of other questions. At one point, it became too much for me and I pressed both my hands to my temples, my eyes shut as I tried to marshal my thoughts.

After few minutes, I opened my eyes when I registered my name being called out by the professor for not paying attention to the class. I did not register his words but had my eyes down with a somber expression so that the telling off would end quickly. It was five minutes before he diverted his attention back to teaching, though he stopped again for another minute to remind me that it was because of me the class had been disturbed the first time and he had lost his flow of thoughts.

   I knew that he would keep glancing at me at regular intervals to ensure that I was paying attention to the lecture. I decided not to walk out with the excuse of being sick, though I was very much tempted to. I already had a bad record at college. Plus, I really wanted to be here, in spite of everything. This life had always given me a way out; a chance to be with normal people and to experience what it felt like though knowing all the while that I didn't belong with them. All I had with me were the memories of my time before it all started for me. Though I missed the normal life, the scary part was that I didn't know whether I would choose that over this part of my life were I given a choice.

So to distract myself, I quietly nudged Maria sitting next to me. Maria looked up from her textbook where she had been doodling moodily.

           "What?" Maria hissed, looking sideways at me.