Phoenix is in the In-Between [LGBTQ+ NOVEL]

Letter #14

14.

Dear Dr. Hemsworth,

Thank you for sending me your reply. I honestly didn't expect one at all, but I'm glad you sent one anyway. Again this one is typewritten—I wish that you can write by hand to me too, because I read somewhere that a person's handwriting says a lot about who they are as a person.

You told me that you're sorry about what's been going on at school. I appreciate that, but really it has barely changed. The only person that still talks to me is Scarlett, but for some reason I feel afraid to really talk to her. It's not that I think she's like Amelia—in fact, she seems really nice and friendly for once. But then again, what if she goes behind my back like Amelia did, and report whatever I tell her to a newspaper person? I don't really know if I can trust anyone anymore.

You also told me that I am normal, and that there's nothing wrong with me not wanting to be girly. You asked me a question that really made me think. You said: "Do you feel that you would rather have been born a boy?"

And I'd have to say yes to that. It just seems so much easier to be a boy. No one really expects you to be all prim and proper, or to wear a dress or a skirt, or to not play sports that need a lot of running and tackling. Daddy for example is the kind of man that can be tough but he still dresses nicely, even before he became president. If I was born a boy, I would have wanted to be just like Daddy.

I've tried looking up what a tomboy was after that article came out. It said that tomboys are girls that are very boyish, wear boyish clothes, like boyish hobbies, and have more boy friends than girl friends. I would have almost said that that's me, but then it said that tomboys don't really continue on until they grow up, and they eventually become more girly.

Is that true though? Thinking about that happening to me makes me feel sick to my stomach. It also makes me feel like who I am now is a lie, because it isn't really me. But if I'm not Phoenix, am I just Alexa? But I never knew who Alexa really was. I feel like I've always just been Phoenix, ever since I was a baby.

Sometimes I think about these questions so much that it makes my head hurt. When I think about playing with the boys, keeping my hair short, and never wearing dresses even when I grow up, I feel happy. But also, I feel like people won't like it. My parents wouldn't like it for sure. What the article said about Daddy really makes me so mad sometimes. They act as if he's a bad father when he really isn't.

But will they ever understand? Whenever I say no to Mom after she asks me to wear a dress, a part of me feel sorry for it. I wish I didn't have to say no. But I can't help it. Whenever I have to appear all girly, I feel like I'm pretending. Sometimes I even feel like I'm watching myself from someone else's body. It's just so weird.

You ended your reply with saying that I should continue writing because my experiences help a lot in your research. I wish I could see it that way, but lately it doesn't seem like it's helping me at all. I wish some sort of other drama happened at school, because I really don't like the way everyone's looking at me.

Please do write back some more. I feel lonely, and I don't have any friends.

From, Phoenix.