GTS LOGS

[220615] 10TH LOG: NAM

The Calm before the Storm
June 15, 2022
Nam

Hello. This is my first and last log as Nam.

....and I deeply regret it.

Just like how we failed to document the years of friendship that we had as Got The Star. We just had our 5th anniversary celebration and it was bittersweet... at least to me.

I apologize beforehand if I ramble in my first log, my mind is basically all over the place. I wanted to take up this space hoping it can help me understand my thoughts, as well as to be able to capture my emotion. ^.^

I.

It is only now that I realized how much I failed. In a way I know it's not my fault, but how it nevertheless makes me sad.

It makes me sad that very less was documented, shot, published. In the 5 years, 60 months, and 157680000.. only so little we can share to our future selves.

But who's to blame? No one really. We were too young to realize that we have so much time yet to capture yet too little too late to understand that we're running out of it.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to forget the details that made these memories worthwhile. I'm afraid not to have something to remind myself when I'm feeling hopeless.

My love for the seven of them will never fade, of course. But I regret the moments we can reminisce our history, that now we can never have.

We can always make new ones, but the past is something I always will cherish.

II.

Everyone knows we made the group because we are inspired by Bangtan's friendship, but now that BTS is slowly working with their individual artistry, it got me thinking.

I often say phrases that go with "We are connected to BTS" due to various reasons. And, again this time, this phrase is relevant. It seems like BTS needs time for their individual lives, to keep the group for a long time. (Love that for them)

We recently completed our 11th school year, and it ;just like Bangtan, we are forced to plan where we want to go for our future as a group.

College will be here soon, we still have less than a year to be together. My dear Soo Ni seems the most affected, but I know everyone in the group aches about the thought.. of us...

I believe it is also time for Got The Star to realize what we can accomplish together if we work on our own growth.

Stars, if you're reading this, I hope that if we falter, we remind ourselves of the things we had, we have, we will have, and what we haven't.

Our past, of how much we rooted for each other. Of who we are today, that we carry a fragment of each of us, that all 8 of us are responsible at least of one taught feature of a member. Of what we can be, the trips that we will take, the events we will go together, and the meals we will share. Of what we are not, the could've been we do not know, and thankfully that it is that way.

III.

I'm packing up my things.

That's a little bit dramatic ㅋㅋㅋ

I'm cleaning them up, three days after we have been together (GTS) After many years we're complete, all of us eight.

At last, with ate Kei. If you're reading this, there's not much to say except I am sorry, Thank you, and I'm very proud of you.

Shared the night, stayed up so late the roosters reminded us to sleep, and spend the morning together to speak, while eating-like how we used to be.

Happiest 18th to the half of Got the Star.

I'm not expecting to feel devastated after this rollercoaster ride of a week. I thought I'll be.. energized?

I was wrong though. I felt sadness creep the morning after our recognition practice.

When I kept my toiletries and other stuffs to where they originally was placed. Never seen it coming to be that emotional.

The realization we really grew up with each other.

We're in the calm before the storm, and I hate it. Ever since, I never liked uncertainty, tried to do everything my way.

But it was easier when all I thought about was myself. It was easier when I can only see on one direction.

But how about now I have eight people to share both my happiness and burden? How can I detach myself from them? And dictate life what we all should have.

This is my first time opening up, even indirectly.

As someone without any parent beside me growing up, especially right after we moved.. my girlies, you guys, came right away.

I thank you eight, but I also thank your parents-whom never knew that they extended their love to a stranger. For raising such women, full of love and fervor, so much they shared it with me.

I know I'm not the best person to be left with, but I thank you all for making me who I am today.

You all give me hope.

Hope that I can be a good sister, a good daughter, a good mother.

The future is uncertain, so is our plans, but our dedication to be better shouldn't be. That's the most important thing.

Take it step-by-step.

Keep going, stars.

Nam