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[180410] 2ND LOG: KEI

Ever felt that unusual feeling in which you feel sad for reasons you don't even know?

I would like to say sorry to my members. We couldn't talk that much lately. I've been very distant and silent.

That doesn't mean I don't like talking to you, guys. It's just that... I... I started isolating myself from everyone. I stopped using Facebook and Messenger. At my place, I seldom go out of my room. I only do if I have to take a shower or use the bathroom (I eat inside my room as well).

I don't know. There's something in me that says I want loneliness, I want to be out of this place. I want to be in a place where it's only me that exists and that I could do whatever I want in it. Cry? Talk to myself? Curse? Be silent? Everything along those lines.

I am not saying that I hate being with the girls nor I can't do whatever that I want when I'm with them, it's just that I'm already tired of pretending. I've been hiding under a mask that covers the shit that I've been doing and feeling. The smiles are all fake and temporary. I couldn't really understand. I've made that mask so that they won't see what actually is going on.

I don't want to be pitted at. I don't want them to be bothered. I don't want them to live with the drama I've been causing. I want them to be happy. Call me selfish but if it's what I have to be so that I can keep the burden all to myself then so be it.

I know friends are supposed to have each other's backs but this... this is different. It's my own emotions that I am fighting against with. It is something that other people couldn't understand unless if they've experience the same situation. My members, they are way younger. They shouldn't experience the same shit.

Me? I don't know what self-control is anymore. That cheerful bitch? Hah, find it deep down the Pacific Ocean.

This whole drama thing going on here? Let's just say its like protecting GTS from my own self.

A leader supposedly has to lead her members but looks like I'm the one who keeps on causing ways for me and them to break apart.

I won't be leaving the group but I'll be giving up my leader position.

I don't deserve it.

GTS LOG | KEI | 2018